Keg Week 2013: A Hypothetical Timeline of Tonight At The Keg
Tonight is a Monday night. Not just that, it is the Monday night before a new quarter begins. This should be The Keg’s time to shine; instead, thanks to the relentless wrath of Lizzy Tizzy, there is no Keg.
But don’t think that means there is no hope! In fact, as part of our court-ordered community service for “shitting on every building at U of C” we’ve decided to run through a timeline of what tonight would have held, had TKOE been open for heinous:
9:34pm: A group of freshmen who have never been to The Keg arrive, WildCards in hand, to see what all the fuss is about. No one else is there yet. There is no doorman. “I thought this was the place to be!” exclaims one Ayers resident.
10:18pm: The popcorn machine comes to life by its own volition, signaling the beginning of Keg Monday. Employees start to trickle in and wipe up Saturday’s vomit.
11:04pm: The Evanston Loop arrives, bringing the first busload of belligerent students. An eclectic mix of SESP students who just finished all their homework for the quarter and theatre majors who just bombed their auditions, the students laugh uproariously at the sight of the empty dancefloor. They start their own dance party and molest the stripper poles.
11:26pm: A second wave of students arrive. The line stretches halfway to Bar Louie and the doorman begins to reject student ID’s from other universities.
11:39pm: Hordes of stumbling freshmen have descended on TKOE, disregarding any semblance of a line and creating a blob on the sidewalk. With one ID among them, the group enters and joins the sweaty masses.
11:44pm: Inside, the dancefloor becomes jammed with a combination of “girls who just wanna dance” and “guys who just wanna do the sex things.” (Note: The “guys who just wanna dance” and “girls who just wanna do the sex things” arrive approximately 33 minutes later)
11:47pm: The first student gets up on a table. 84 others follow suit within the next 90 seconds. 16 of these 84 fall off in their first 21 seconds on the table. 13 fall off in the next 12 seconds. 7 fall off in the 8 seconds after that. If Johnny got up on the table after 30 seconds, what are the odds that he falls off within his first ten seconds on the table, assuming that he’s had four beers, six tequila shots and two shots of vodka?
11:51pm: An econ major drops a pitcher on his way back to the table, only to have it land perfectly without spilling a drop. Keg magic is alive.
11:58pm: A girl in a white tank-top passes out in a booth. Her friend who is totally hitting it off with a guy in a backwards hat shoves the passed out girl in a cab, yells “take her to Bobb!” and gets back to twerk.
12:01am: A busload of frat guys and sorostitutes arrive from their pregame. With TKOE bursting at the seams, their fakes do little to impress the doorman. One particularly ambitious bro tries to hop the fence, only to have his Sperry’s slip at the last moment. The homeless guy along the fence laughs. His brothers Instagram it.
12:14am: Four girls fight over the poles.
12:18am: With a sophomore theatre major minutes away from puking, a friend brings popcorn to his side and nurses him back to ragemode. (This would become the inspiration for the blockbuster hit Patch Adams 2: Tequila Makes The Fun Come Out”)
12:27am: An entire sorority takes a shot together, shouting their incredibly awesome and in no way fucking obnoxious little slogan then laughing a lot because their sisterhood is just soooo strong.
12:42am: The boys bathroom floor is now entirely covered in unknown liquids. Brave bros continue to trudge through it to pee in the urinal. And the stall. And the sink. And the floor.
12:46am: Someone grabs the wrong coat from a table near the back door and a 14-girl fracas ensues. Freshmen mistake it for dancing and a second dancefloor is accidentally created.
12:48am: The second dancefloor shuts down when a girl gets pregnant.
12:59am: The crowd outside the door reaches a crescendo. Like, a literal crescendo. As in, an entire a cappella group showed up and decided to sing while they waited to get rejected at the door.
1:07am: A heroic girl starts flirting with the doorman, allowing a record 43 pass backs to take place in a 15-minute period.
1:23am: “What the FUCK do you mean you won’t pick up from The Keg?! Fuck you SafeRide, do you like want me to get mugged?? Omg, you literally want me to get mugged!!”
1:34am: Two bros with backward hats and unbuttoned pastel button-downs are seen hugging and repeating “No seriously man, I love you” enough times that it’s awkward for everyone. And they like, won’t stop. It’s getting weird.
1:42am: The line for the girls bathroom is between one hundred and 74.89 million people long. One girl declares “I’ll just go in the boys room!” and IMMEDIATELY drowns in the abyss of fluids covering the floor.
1:52am: The entire back corner of tables is covered in people who passed out mid-hookup. In a sad twist of karma, one of them is the girl from 11:58pm.
1:56am: “EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT”- Tom Migon. “But the drinkz and the dancingz!!!!” - Everyone.
1:58am: “EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT OR I’M CHECKING ID’S” - Tom Migon
2:00am: The popcorn machine turns off. The dance floor is dark. The bathroom begins to drain. It is quiet. It is over.
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