June Heinous Second-Round Results: PBR Division
Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
The excellent teamwork that Darwin and Khomeini managed in the first round only increased in the second round match. They managed to get rollbacks on multiple occasions, and Khomeini managed even to make a behind-the-back shot after getting the ball back on the table; this impressive feat was followed with a hearty “Allah ackbar!” However, their opponents did put up a strong fight. Jane Austen had an especially surprising game, making three of her first four cups and nearly mounting a comeback at the end (unsurprisingly, that was the first thing she ever mounted). Unfortunately for Austen and Hitler, their team dynamic was less-than-stellar, seeing as Hitler frequently told Austen that her primary role in society was to produce strong, fit youth to strengthen the Reich. Hitler and Austen were unable to make the comeback, losing in the end by 2 cups. Darwin and Khomeini celebrated with an oddly well-coordinated rendition of the Thriller dance; Austen simply went to sleep and Hitler promptly shot himself in his bunker.
Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac vs. Sacagawea/Hannibal
Hannibal really delivered in this match, seeing as he made 7 cups (including the last 4). Everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable, however, when he followed every victorious shot with “it puts the ping pong ball in the solo cup.” Sacagawea played a slightly less impressive game, but she’s a woman, so the bar’s a lot lower. Warhol and Kerouac simply didn’t have their head in the game this time around - Kerouac’s head was probably in some fucked up world of Catholicism and drugs, while Warhol’s head was obviously up his ass. Upon later investigations, IBPF officials discovered that Warhol and Kerouac were not drinking beer, but rather a concoction consisting of two parts cheap vodka, one part goat semen, and four parts LSD. By the time Hannibal made the last cup, Warhol was eating a lock of Sacagawea’s hair he had cut off, and Kerouac was sending dick pics to Allen Ginsberg. Sacagawea and Hannibal will move on to the Elite Eight, lined up against Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini.