Judgement, Carnage, Screeching: Parrot’s Weekend is Upon Us
Tell your mom and dad to call United and get a refund on those plane tickets, because there’s only one thing flying into town this weekend: Parrots.
That’s right, parent’s weekend is cancelled and parrot’s weekend is far from optional. Remember the Plague of Locusts? God is upping his game and sending beasts of feather our way as early as Friday night. Holden Phillips of the Dearborn Observatory has confirmed they are coming, and not in peace.
Phillips says when he pointed the telescope south last night, he saw a swarm of beady and alarmingly furious eyes staring back at him. “At first I thought the glints might be a meteor cluster, but they weren’t falling, they were... coming toward us,” said Phillips. It wasn’t until he smelled crackers and bird shit that he realized what was going on. “Usually birds fly south for the winter...But they’re flying here. Towards the winter. Poised for battle with nature herself, nay, God himself. There’s just no sense to it...” Phillips’ co-worker, Gabe Gables, dropped to the floor and started speaking in tongues.
Gables, a first time prophet, then relayed the words: “The parrots shall come and they shall scorch the land. Their wings will be mightier than thunder, their rainbow feathers sharper than the devil’s tail. Their bird beaks will sear into your flesh, their bird voices will echo your screams. Pay them in homage or pay them with your life.” Gables said being flooded with the holy spirit was “so crazy!” He added that Northwestern is being smited because not enough people registered for Dance Marathon. “People can just be so selfish,” said Gables.
Northwestern will host a number of Parrot Rituals and Worships this weekend to offer everyone a chance to save themselves and submit to our new sky gods. God is dead. Check Student Affairs for upcoming dates and times, and tell your folks you’ll see them at Thanksgiving break…if you make it.