JK Rowling: “Every Harry Potter Character Was Gay, Except for Dolores Umbridge”
JK Rowling, author of the globally celebrated “Harry Potter” series, has made headlines in the past few years through her announcements of new details from her book series, with none as important as the surprising announcement that Albus Dumbledore, the wise wizard of the series, was gay. Today, however, in a move that is being called a major step for literary representation, Rowling announced that literally every Harry Potter character in the book’s universe was gay, except for Dolores Umbridge.
“Once I realized that I could change anything I wanted and people would accept it, it was like a whole world of possibilities opened up,” said Rowling, whose recent announcement via twitter that Hogwarts tuition was free through grants provided by the Ministry of Magic shocked the world despite it being entirely fictional. “I was just thinking about how important it was to some kids that Dumbledore was gay,” she added, “so I figured the best thing I could do was just to make everybody gay, except for Dolores Umbridge.”
The announcement has already been received with an overwhelmingly positive response in the Harry Potter fan community. “It’s just so nice to hear,” said Maura Katz, a lifelong Potter fan who identifies as a lesbian. “When I was younger, I always felt like no one understood me. It’s nice to know now that that whole time I was being supported by the literally hundreds of characters in those books who were just like me, except for Dolores Umbridge, because no one would like her even if she was gay.”
Rowling’s next retcons are generally kept quiet until she tweets them, but rumors are swirling that her next big plan is to release a printing of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone where every adjective describing a character, location or object in the book has been replaced with a blank line and a message that says, “you know better than I do how it is, and whatever you write is 100% canon -Love, JK.”
When asked about it, Rowling smiled. “I can’t confirm or deny that,” she said, “which is an annoying thing about the real world. In the Wizarding World, I can confirm and deny anything that I want. I am their God.”