January Horoscopes

Aquarius

Full moon in cancer will make you moody early this month, and you’re really still trying to rationalize how Hillary could lose if she won the popular vote, but chalk that up to your overly-rational nature you air-sign! January is all about fresh starts, and when the sun enters your sign later this month, expect to find out some pressing information that could save the planet or at least help you figure out that riddle Jake F. told you back in 4th grade. We know you haven’t stopped thinking about him and plotting his eminent downfall, but now is a great time to put revenge on the backburner (as if you can!).

Pisces

Venus is in your sign early this month, Pisces, and a fun and sexy time is on the way! This will be the month that you finally shell out for those couples’ sushi making classes. Now you just need to find someone to share the classes with you, and luckily, your almost psychic intuition means you’ve seen your soul mate coming from a million miles away. But he’s still with his wife on vacation in Brussels so that coworker you’ve been manipulating for the last year will do. Just be careful…full moon in sensitive cancer could mean tummy trouble down the line. Make sure that class isn’t at a gas station!

Aries

You hate these indoor months, Aries, you’re just too restless. But, a full moon in Cancer could mean an exciting new romantic encounter, or, as you understand it, a chance to cause yourself and others physical injury in the pursuit of “true love.” So, go ahead, paint your toenails that chartreuse color you keep asking us about. We’ll promise it won’t look bad but don’t come crying to us when you decide it’s atrocious and try to take it off two days later – remember, you coerced us.

Taurus

Do you ever notice how unforgiving the land is this time of year? Infertile, barren, icy. You’re feeling much the same way this month, Taurus. Remember when the land was rich and verdant and forgiving and the sun shone on the tips of your toes and you every moment of remorse fluoresced beneath its milky sheen? So, yeah, take that Tiguan for a test drive. Live a little, you deserve it!

Gemini

Gemini you are manipulative vixen this month but it’s a little different because your ruling planet Mercury is running the show. So you will get what you want, like ALWAYS but win some Oscars and call yourself Streep because It’s Complicated. People might be eating up what your putting down, put be careful where not to a trail of cheerios right to your bedroom door because we all know you won’t clean them up. Also, you will find an old board game and the rules will be missing. Play anyway.

Cancer

It is a watery month, Cancer. With Pisces ruling your first week, you will be a crabby crab. But don’t worry, tasty legs, after you cry out your problems, you will hit a creative stride. Write a melodramatic play. Paint a melodramatic painting. Send some more melodramatic tweets, they WILL get faves. Because, whether other signs like it or not, you have got the goods you sandy freak. Also, do not eat fig spread. Not even a taste. You will thank me later.

Leo

Fiery Leo, this month we will hear you whimper and hear you roar. With some career-related issues coming up mid-month thanks to the full moon in Cancer, you might cry through some career fairs before figuring out what you truly want to do. Never fear, a fresh start will come about with the new moon in Aquarius on the 27th and you will find bean sprouts in all of your foods. Sweet or savory, those dang sprouts will be sprouting up everywhere. Take advantage of them now – celestial transits next month portent digestive problems to come.

Virgo

You will be quite the charmer this month, Virgo. With your ruling planet Mercury in retrograde, even the rocky start of the month won’t faze you as you talk and text your way into way into anyone’s heart. But be careful, the cosmic energy might make you super stressed out and we all know what you like to do when that happens: go see community theatre. But I would hold off on those comp’d season tickets for Fiddler on the 20th if I were you, the understudy might be a mysterious someone from your past. Oy indeed!

Libra

Before you ask, Libra – yes, you can wear open-toed shoes in January. But only if you want to piss off the emotional Cancer full moon. Emotions will be running high, however, not quite high enough for you to finally give in and buy Carmopple, the horse of your dreams. With Venus in Pisces TWICE this month (on the 3rd and 20th) you might consider a makeover. Remember when human people put tinsel in their hair? Like adults did it. My piano teacher did it and she has three kids. You should do that. It won’t look good but like you love pulling crazy shit with your hair.

Scorpio

Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio. With Mercury in retrograde you know that you will be a sadboy that you always are but this time you have an excuse. You will get ghosted and you will see ghosts this month. We’re talking Casper, Casper’s Mom, Casper’s Dad, Casper’s Neighbor Ron Whose Girlfriend “Lives in North Carolina.” Bank on your supernatural sight by calling up the Discovery Channel and booking a multimillion-dollar deal. Just don’t try too hard even though fame whore Aries will be blowing up your chart at the end of the month and nothing says, “Notice me!” than claiming you see dead people (even if you do).

Sagittarius

January is statistically one of the coldest months of the year, which means this time you have an excuse for your icy unforgiving demeanor. With the retrograde ending and mental fog clearing up, you’re finally level-headed enough to complete your missions with decisive exaction. Now would be a great time for you to go on a trip somewhere warm – you love to travel, and the spotty international wifi will give you a great excuse to not respond to that text from four months ago. Not that you’ve been thinking about that text at all, you’ve gotten laid and almost died plenty since then. 

Capricorn

Where does the time go, Capricorn? It seems like just days ago you treated yourself to re-alphabetizing your bookcase for your birthday, and here we are back with the sun in your sign at the beginning of the month. Maybe this year you’ll really shake things up and coordinate them by color – that would impress that one person from work who doesn’t quite seem to reciprocate your advances. Maybe this year you’ll finally figure out what’s wrong with them for not loving you. Time will tell, Capricorn.

-Probability the Rapper & Rich Homie Gina