It's Not Just Cruz: 6 Other Political Secrets Washington Doesn't Want You to Know
There’s a nasty rumor floating around the Internet recently. It states that presidential hopeful Ted Cruz is actually the Zodiac Killer, a serial murderer whose brutal crimes and mysterious cryptograms shocked a nation in the late 60s and early 70s as he stalked his victims along the California coast. We at Sherman Ave are sad to confirm that this is not only absolutely and irrefutably true, but that Cruz is not the only presidential candidate harboring a dark secret in his past. In fact, we have uncovered evidence that every politician currently in the race for the White House has some skeletons in their closet. Here are a few things to bear in mind as you head to the polls. HILLARY CLINTON SHOT TUPAC
Though Hillary Clinton is a Chicago native, she has always felt a strong allegiance to the East Coast, evidenced by both her eight-year tenure as a New York senator and her murder of rapper Tupac Shakur on September 7th, 1996 in Las Vegas. Incensed by the East versus West Coast rivalry between Shakur and fellow rapper Biggie Smalls, Clinton shot Shakur four times while yelling “Hit THIS up, motherfucker!” Shakur was hospitalized, and succumbed to his injuries six days later. Apparently motiveless, Clinton has never been questioned by police and the murder remains technically unsolved.
DONALD TRUMP KILLED TERESA HALBACH
When you are as rich as Donald Trump is, eventually conventional thrills cease to excite. One can only bathe in caviar so many times before it starts to feel a little bland. Trump’s new favorite vice, besides yelling at rednecks, is ruining the lives of poor people. Trump was drawn to Steven Avery’s highly-publicized case due to its potentially uplifting narrative, because Donald Trump hates it when good things happen to people that aren’t him. Trump’s murder of Teresa Halbach plunged Avery into a twisted legal battle full of patchy evidence and coerced testimony that could only have been smoothed over by an infusion of Trump’s cold, hard cash.
JOHN KASICH IS BIGFOOT
This one isn’t really John Kasich’s fault, but is instead a case of mistaken identity. Kasich is a furry, a member of the fetish community that enjoys role-playing as humanoid animals. Although this is not necessarily a sexual affair, we can assure you that for John Kasich it most certainly is. Photographs of Kasich in costume have been mistaken for sightings of North America’s most famous cryptid for decades now. His “fursona,” the animal character Kasich inhabits when he role-plays, is a gorilla named Checkers who likes long hikes in the woods and rimming.
MARCO RUBIO DID THE 2001 ANTHRAX ATTACKS
Marco Rubio might look and act like a giant Ken Doll who gained sentience, but behind that symmetrical face is the mind of a bioterrorist. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say mind? I meant that behind that symmetrical face is the metal skeleton of a robot. Rubiobot is an unfeeling machine created in a laboratory by a mad scientist bent on world domination. The anthrax attacks were a scheme from the scientist’s wilder, less mature days, before she realized that she could do far more destruction within the system than outside of it.*
BERNIE SANDERS IS D.B. COOPER
Bernie Sanders has been lauded by his supporters for doing the seemingly impossible- running a successful (?) grassroots campaign. But this isn’t the first time Sanders has achieved such a singular feat. In 1971, under the assumed identity of D.B. Cooper, a man successfully hijacked a plane flying commercially between Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington and succeeded in escaping on another plane, parachuting away with $200,000 in ransom money. That man? Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. We all knew there was no way he could’ve raised all that money without a Super PAC.
BEN CARSON IS THE REASON FOR ALL THOSE DISEMBODIED FEET WASHING UP ON THE SHORES OF BRITISH COLUMBIA AND WASHINGTON STATE
Trust us, you do not want to know. You really, really, really do not want to know.
*You didn’t expect the mad scientist to be a woman, did you? You sexist piece of shit.