The Tragedy: On Nov. 22, 1963, American president and lustful giver of penis John F. Kennedy was assassinated while driving in a motorcade through Dallas, Texas. Kennedy’s death robbed the nation of a popular president who had successfully told the Soviet Union do the fucking-itself thing, and robbed Kennedy of more of the blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe.
The Evidence: So where is exactly were the Mississippi State Bulldogs on the afternoon of November 22nd? In Starkville, Mississippi? Not very likely. According to my just-completed survey of the worst locations in Oktibbeha County, Starkville is the worst. And if Mississippi State was in Starkville all day, why didn’t anyone mupload it? In fact, I don’t see a single mupload or Instagram proving where MSU was that fateful day. Looks to me like someone is tryna hide something. Like their role in the public assassination of a sitting president.
Now, I know what you’re saying at this point: “Wow, that’s a really well-reasoned and convincing argument, Sir T-Worth, but what motivation would Mississippi State have for that?” The answer is two-fold. First, Kennedy was on the verge of forcing public schools and universities to integrate, something that Mississippi State feared would force their students to interact with students outside of their own ethnic group. But that’s just the cover story. The real truth here is that MSU was angry that their James C. Kennedy Endowed Chair in Waterfowl and Wetlands Conservation was quickly becoming irrelevant as a more endowed Kennedy swept the nation of its collective feet and out of its collective panties. Realizing their reputation was on the line, The Dirty Cowbell had to take action.
Finally, it’s clear that Mississippi State had the opportunity. Where was Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly stationed as he, along with between one and 19 other gunmen, took out the president? The Texas Schoolbook Depository. Does Mississippi State perhaps have its own schoolbook depository? Maybe some sort of store on campus that sells textbooks to the Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby’s of the world? Why yes, yes it does. Case. Fucking. Closed.
The Verdict: Mississippi State is nearly entirely responsible for the Kennedy Assassination, and based on the NCAA’s actions against Penn State, the Bulldogs’ program could face up to one year of probation! And a loss of scholarships! So. Justice and stuff.