This is a message from the Northwestern University emergency notification system. “Sup hoes. We heard rumors that some of you might be having an excellent break, so we’re here to shit on your eyehole.”
Today is Friday, January 3, 2014.
“IT’S FUCKING GAMEDAY, BITCHES. For Ohio State.”
Extreme cold temperatures are predicted for the Chicago metropolitan area for Monday, January 6, but Northwestern University is planning to be open that day.
“Yeah I’m not really sure how cold it’s gonna be. I was doing a line of coke off a stripper’s asshole and the weather just happened to be on.”
Classes and offices will operate on a normal schedule.
“We invite all students to take a step back from their laptops and literally fuck their own face.”
If those plans change, the University will notify students, faculty and staff, or you may check the University website for updates.
“WHICH WILL BE POSTED ON CAESAR AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
On the Evanston campus, Frostbite Sheridan and Frostbite Express shuttle buses will run on days with a single-digit temperature, wind chill factor below zero or blizzard conditions.
“And it, yupp, it turns out that Monday will fit all of those criteria.”
Operating hours are 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.
“Give or take.”
When in operation, shuttle status can be found at:
“Shuttles will not, however, be found at the shuttle stops on the scheduled times.”
Students, faculty and staff are advised to dress appropriately for the cold and leave additional time for travel to campus.
“I was googling this kind of shit and I recommend wearing snow pants, a parka and ski goggles or I believe you will die.”
If the University is open but you believe it is unsafe to come to work or class, then you should stay home.
“Don’t be a pussy. Puuuusssssyyyyyyyyyyy. Puss puss puss puss. Meeeooowwwww. You know what that was? That was an impersonation of a cat, cause you’re being a pussy. Huh huh, get it pussy?"