Incredible! My Mom Did Not Appreciate the Brunch I Threw For Her in the Pizza Hut Parking Lot
Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate the women in our lives who have been there for us our entire lives. From our first steps to our hardest heartbreaks, moms know exactly what to do to make it better. So, for this Mother’s Day, I planned a springtime brunch at a place near and dear to both me and my mother: the Pizza Hut on Jefferson Road. With garlic cardboard crust to the weirdly too thick sauce, there is nowhere I'd rather go to show my mother how much I love her than taking her back to the Hut where I was born 20 years ago in the far back booth on the left side.
Unfortunately, after being caught trying to shovel a liter of TUSCANI® CHICKEN ALFREDO PASTA in my CamelBak Hydration Pack last Christmas, I am “not allowed” to “enter.” So I decided if we can’t join ‘em, let’s join ‘em outside! Hauling a card table I found on I-90 S, I threw an old tarp, some river rocks, and a fistful of wild grass to make an elegant spread. Next, I tried to order brunch but when I was faced with the classic brunch snafu of: “Gina, we recognize your voice. Please stop calling. No, I do not want to go to prom with you. Yes our WingStreet® Breaded Bone-Out Wings are delicious. No, Jared from Subway never worked here.” I decided to play the Pinterest Mom card and DIY each course with scraps I found from the dumpster. Our menu was as follows:
Mimosas: Orange peel mixed pushed into a beer can, mixed with trash juice from the base of the dumpster
House Salad: A lettuce leaf with dirt (?) on it
Supreme Pizza: Old crusts (some with sauce stains, some without), onion skin, an old tomato, a bag of frozen-thawed-refrozen “cheese-stuff”
Sriracha Wings: Red meat
Cinnamon sticks: Half a breadstick (garlic-parm licked off!) coated in sand
As you can see, it was a feast fit for a hardworking mom. But, unfortunately, when my mom arrived, she was far from impressed. “Gina!” she cried, “Why are the employs barring up the doors? Why did you tell me to ‘come under the cover of darkness?’ Why did you ask me about Jared from Subway, again?” I had truly surprised her! And yet, she did not seem happy. “Mom! Come have a drink!” and with one sip of my fruity concoction, she vomited instantly. But I was happy to clean up her chunks of bile, as she had been cleaning up my lil' messes everyday since I was born.
Sadly, licking up her dribble wasn’t enough. “Gina, please, can we go home?” she pleaded. And I could only roll my eyes, classic mom! You work so hard, you wake up at 5 AM, and yet, nothing pleases the woman who gave you life! So I sat down and asked my mom what she truly wanted for the holiday. Her answer? A Samsung Galaxy Note 7. She said they were going for almost nothing nowadays and she needed a new phone. And though I was unfortunately also banned there due to a "certain" "incident" involving a Nokia and a truckload of tapioca pudding, I knew I had to do right by mom. So we clasped our hands tight and headed into the Verizon store, the smell of garlic salt and cinnamon sticks fading into the distance.