If The Name of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver
Optimizer – A woman uses a vibrating Transformer to provide herself with sexual stimulation.
Take Charge Indy – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Ron Artest and Peyton Manning simultaneously.
Union Rags – A man ejaculates into a pile of rags, and proceeds to throw the rags at people participating in a labor strike.
Rousing Sermon – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while the man reads excerpts from Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”
Dullahan – Named after the sexual stylings of the famous Irish general Sean Dullahan, this move consists of a threesome involving Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
Creative Cause – Two people find a very creative reason to engage in sexual intercourse, such as Maundy Thursday or the anniversary of John F. Kennedy Jr.’s death.
Trinniberg – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Trinniberg, a racehorse.
Daddy Nose Best – A father sexually stimulates his daughter and her friends using only his nose.
Bodemeister – Two people engage in sexual intercourse in the presence of Olympic athlete Bode Miller in a pool of Jaegermeister.
Alpha – A man gathers a group of 24 Greek women, and engages in sexual intercourse with the one whose name is first alphabetically.
Daddy Long Legs – Someone beat us to the punch.
Prospective – Popular on college campuses, this maneuver consists of a college student engaging in sexual intercourse with a high school junior or senior visiting said college.
Went the Day Well – Any series of sexual acts that begins at sunrise and continues through nightfall without pause.
Hanson – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while listening to “Mmm Bop” on loop.
Gemologist – A man engages in sexual intercourse with a woman, then proceeds to study the science of natural and artificial gems and gemstones.
El Padrino – Spanish for “The Sponsor,” this maneuver consists of intercourse sponsored by a large institution, like Chuck E. Cheese or ASPCA.
Done Talking – In this maneuver, the woman stops talking; this is one of the most difficult sexual maneuvers to achieve successfully.
Sabercat - A female gets gangbanged by the entire San Jose Sabercats arena football team.
I’ll Have Another - This one should be relatively self-explanatory.
Liaison – Two men communicate with one another by ejaculating messages onto a woman’s chest and sending her back and forth to convey the messages.
My Adonis – A man goes into a kid’s maze full of mirrors and masturbates for as long as possible before getting arrested.