Epic duels, shootings in nightclubs, billions of dollars in production values, and the omnipresence of a sinister overlord who everyone agrees is a total queef sampler. The National Football League and Star Wars are more similar than meets the eye (Fuck off, Transformers). And since Roger Goodell and George Lucas are both in the running for the title of World's Biggest Asshat Who Ruins Everything and Cares Not for the Suffering of Concussed People (well, we nominate them if not), it's hard not to notice other similarities in their respective beloved, addictive, trillion-dollar monstrosities.
Drama comes down to characters, and the NFL and Star Wars have both in spades (even if the drama of Star Wars mostly consists of the nebulous wet dreams of a prepubescent boy obsessed with trade negotiations and throbbing, glowing swords). And while both universes feature thousands upon thousands of characters, we viewers really only give a shit about a few of them. So, to keep things simple, we've taken a look just at current NFL quarterbacks to see who their Star Wars counterparts are. The results represent a disturbance in the Force, which is to say that Brady is dropping a Dooku right now and Peyton is playing like a young Jedi Master despite his frail old body and green skin. Enjoy.
Matt Schaub as Qui-Gon Jinn
Sure, Matt Schaub is a pretty talented guy and a good quarterback. But...who fucking cares? Not even Liam Neeson's intense gaze could make me give a fuck about Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub is as good at finding pick-six opportunities as Qui-Gon is at recognizing talent in disturbed young boys.
Andrew Luck as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Andrew Luck is smart and generally has his shit together. Will that prevent him from ultimately getting his shit rocked? Probably not. But he's reliable, despite working with limited resources (no good back-up QB, state of Indiana, etc.). He might even play into old age if he stays in the pocket long enough.
Blaine Gabbert as Jar Jar Binks
It's a perfect match. They are both hilarious to watch but it's sad to think about their lives. They are really the only people who literally just drive away fans and viewers.
Christian Ponder as Boss Nass
Because who doesn't want to do this to Samantha Ponder?
Joe Flacco as Queen Amidala
Sure, they're both pretty powerful and important people -- but probably not as "elite" as they might think. Flacco, like Amidala, is always struggling to gain the respect of his peers, in large part because no one takes his homeworld seriously, but also because he's just kind of a bitch.
Jay Cutler as Young Anakin Skywalker
An obnoxious, immature little douchelet with Diabetes and a whole lot of potential? Yep, sounds like both of these guys (there's no conclusive evidence that Little Ani had Diabeetus, but his midi-chlorian count seems to suggest it). Beyond that, Anakin is played by a very bad actor, and Jay Cutler is very bad at acting like he gives a shit about his fanbase.
Tony Romo as Darth Maul
In an idealized, amoral universe (read: fantasy football), Tony Romo isn't that bad. Same goes for Darth Maul -- there's nothing that really makes him evil, just the fact that he happens to be evil. But they both happen to be part of an incredibly hated organization, and even embody all for which it stands. The only thing missing here is Darth Maul's hot Jessica Simpson slampiece.
Michael Vick as Sebulba
You can probably see where we're going with this one. Seedy bastards with criminally abusive habits, who also happen to be fast in their respective sports.
Ben Roethlisberger as Tusken Raiders
You saw what they did to Shmi Skywalker.
Drew Brees as Mace Windu
Sure, everyone loves these guys. They're skilled, powerful, decent human beings. But do we really give a shit about these guys, or do we just feel sorry for them after all the bullshit thrust upon them? (Katrina, Bounty-gate, arm being chopped off by someone he trusted, etc.)
Sam Bradford as Jedi With Tall Head
Didn't really know where else to put him, but felt that he deserved a shoutout. And even though this guy has a name, does anyone really pay attention to him?
Tom Brady as Count Dooku
Brady is brilliant and beloved by many, but all said and done, he -- like Dooku -- is really just the pawn in a larger plot instituted by the Sith (who obviously represent Bill Belichick). He is still powerful enough to keep up with the greats despite being a veteran. He also thinks he has way more swag than he actually does. I mean, Uggs? A cape? Come on.
Matt Ryan as General Grievous
Sure, they're "elite." But everyone also forgets they exist and can't help but wonder why we care when they're ultimately so irrelevant in the big scheme of things. Plus, Matt Ryan -- like Grievous -- fails to deliver when it counts.
Brian Hoyer as Jedi Younglings Who Get Slaughtered By Anakin
It doesn't even feel good making this joke.
Matt Stafford as Luke Skywalker
Stafford, like Skywalker, is young and quite talented. However, there are some barriers standing between him and his potential -- mainly the fact that he lives in a really shitty place (Detroit = Mos Eisley, prove me wrong). Luke realized his potential by traveling to one of the few places shittier than Mos Eisley (Hoth, Dagobah, Jabba's Palace), which leads us to believe that Stafford can only get better by getting traded to either Cleveland or Green Bay.
Andy Dalton as Princess Leia
Princess Leia is an oddly powerful character in Star Wars. Besides having some form of political power, she is somehow a decent fighter and cunning strategist. However, no one really knows how she came to be that way. Sort of like Andy Dalton. Who the fuck even is Andy Dalton? Like Leia, he is someone who seems competent, but not really enough to make much of a difference. His importance really only comes up in relation to the big boys opposite him.
Carson Palmer as C3PO
Both are pretty smart and talented, but so boring that no one cares how useful they are. Both Palmer and C3PO were also more impressive in their younger days, when Palmer won the Heisman and C3PO was thinner before gaining all that brass-plating weight. They're also both big fans of protocol and foreign languages. Go figure.
EJ Manuel as R2-D2
R2-D2's role in Star Wars is that of the helper -- he's always helping someone survive, helping someone escape, all the while unintelligibly bleeping and blooping at them as if they understand him. Similarly, EJ Manuel and the Buffalo Bills help other teams win the AFC East year after year by being so inexplicably bad, and no one even knows if EJ Manuel can talk because why interview a Buffalo Bill?
Geno Smith as Jawas
You see Jawas in the Star Wars movies, but is there any point where you think, "these guys are probably relevant to the plot"? No, I didn't think so.
Colin Kaepernick as Han Solo
Both of these guys appear to have come out of nowhere and immediately risen to prominence. Moreover, they both have a sort of "other side of the tracks" attitude: Han Solo in smuggling and crime, Kaepernick in tattoos and benchwarming. They both claim to be able to run the blockade, but they're usually more clutch than consistent. They "know" we love them, though.
Alex Smith as Chewbacca
First of all, Smith bears an obvious subordination to Kaepernick that actually does resemble that of Chewbacca to Han Solo. But Smith actually has done quite well on his own, just like Chewbacca apparently was a Wookiee Warlord or some shit that George Lucas made up so he could rub a few more Benjamins on his ancient ballsack. Also, although this season has yet to bring Kansas City any losses, I think we all know that when Alex Smith loses he will stand up and emit a loud uvular grunt.
Robert Griffin III as Darth Vader
Like Darth Vader, RG3 requires powerful, cutting-edge equipment just to keep his body from turning into dust. Griffin is also like Vader in that he is abused and manipulated by cruel masters (Mike Shanahan and Dan Snyder) who have only a feigned investment in his future. And let's be real -- if Darth Vader were to be an NFL quarterback, he would most certainly play for the team with the most pronounced racial undertones and least likable owner.
Aaron Rodgers as Emperor Palpatine
Both these guys are incredibly powerful, but no one really wants them to be. Their fanbases are somehow even worse than they are. As far as everyone is concerned, they came out of nowhere to revive a declining empire. Mostly, let's just take a moment to think about Senator Palpatine doing insurance commercials.
Terrelle Pryor as Grand Moff Tarkin
These guys are almost impossible to like, but beyond that, everyone hates them because they just fit seamlessly into the most terrible organizations in the world (The Empire, OSU, Oakland Raiders).
Philip Rivers as Boba Fett
Yeah, Philip Rivers is decent. He's not bad. But he's not as good as he thinks he is. And basically everyone thinks he's a shitbag. I really want to see Philip Rivers fall into the Sarlacc pit.
Peyton Manning as Yoda
Yes, Manning is getting a bit old, but he still has it. He is probably the most powerful Jedi around, and most importantly, he keeps the force in balance by opposing the Sith (Patriots).
Ryan Tannehill as Admiral Ackbar
Playing for the Dolphins...IT'S A TRAP!
Cam Newton as Lando Calrissian
Russell Wilson as Jabba the Hutt
These dudes have a lot of power and a lot of strength, but they are also hyped up by their reputations and respective organizations. Sure, they are considered omnipotent in their respective remote, isolated parts of the galaxy (#Seattle), but in the grand scheme of things, they might not be as impressive as they're made out to be. And we're sure Wisconsin football alums also get a kick out of chaining up women in bronze metal bikinis.
Eli Manning as Ewoks