I Want a Fast Food Wedding
This week it was announced (to me, as I trolled the trending topics on Facebook) that Burger King will be paying for a July wedding between “a man named Burger and a Woman named King,” (which turned out to really be a dude named Joel Burger and lady named Ashley King. Which is way less sad BUT ALSO decidedly less fun).
This is obviously a ballin’ situation for this couple. They get free chicky nuggies at their wedding, probably! And they get to hyphenate their name to make it Burger-King, so that every time a bank has to send them a piece of mail, or every time a teacher calls on their kid at school, they are reminded of that one time that they got a chicken fry that looked like breaded styrofoam and tasted like the hollow bones of a tiny stillborn bird (I imagine). BK LOUNGE 4EVER!!!
I know what you’re all thinking: HOW DO IIIII get a big company to pay for MYYY wedding!?!? MYYYY name is merely Randy Randolferson!!!!
First of all, stop whining. Secondly, great name. Whoever came up with that is clearly a genius and you shouldn’t take that for granted. And fear not, I have some tips on how to get a hot-shot corporate Big Guy like Burger King to pay for your nuptials. They are these:
- Make sweet, sweet love to the CEO of TGI Fridays. Tell them that you knew you could never marry into the fast, corporate, sexy life of the American fast food world, and share bittersweet goodbyes. Years later, become engaged to the person of your choosing. The TGI Fridays CEO will remember you fondly, as you were the one that got away, and will make all the accommodations for your wedding, because after all, they just want you to be happy.
- Dye your hair red, call yourself Wendy, try to legally marry a burger.
- Marry anyone with the last name McDonald. Make a deal with McDonald's at their headquarters (found on top of a spooky mountain, I assume) that, should they pay for your wedding, you will gift them your first-born child, whom you shall call Ronald. When he is 2 days old, he will be brought to the spooky mountain and he will live out the rest of his life never knowing where he came from.
- Threaten Checkers by telling them that you will make sure to bury what is left of their tiny whisper of relevancy in the fast food market, unless they pay for your wedding and become news again.
- Promise Chik-Fil-A that your wedding is a heterosexual one.
If none of these work for you, or if they do work but soon it occurs to you that your marriage is a sham, I suggest nurturing your broken heart with a Double Whopper. Maybe then at least BK will sponsor your divorce.
If you ask us, fast food is an oxymoron! (The joke is that fasting is when you don't eat, try to keep up) If you have similar opinions about fast food and related puns, then APPLY TO WRITE FOR SHERMAN AVE!