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I Overcame Adversity When…  I Admitted to Myself that YES, Asian Midget Porn IS Engrossing:  The Candid College Essays We Would Write Now

I Overcame Adversity When… I Admitted to Myself that YES, Asian Midget Porn IS Engrossing: The Candid College Essays We Would Write Now

common app It’s that magical time of year again.  The days are getting a shorter, the pants are getting longer, the leaves are getting browner, the lattes are getting pumpkiny-er (?) and the GOD DAMN CICADAS WON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Us kool kawledge kids are spending our fall days working hard and our nights twerking harder. As we live embodying freedom and #nocurfew we can only think of the poor souls we left behind in high school. AKA those poor sons-and-daughters-of-bitches who still have to go through the grueling college application process that brought us to the lyfes of laxity we lead today.

Now, hypothetically speaking, think of what would happen if we were given the opportunity to write college application essays NOW.

Basically, instead of writing with a fucking straight jacket on, it would be like wearing one of those sexy billowing shirts Orlando Bloom wears in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies.  Confidence and wit would just fucking ooze from our exposed chest hairs. In other words, instead of answering the Common Application essay prompts with calculated horseshit, we could now answer with realistic heinousness.

 

For example, take this essay question from the 2013-2014 Common Application:

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?”

An anxiously basic high school bitch -- not that much unlike my past self -- would answer that question with some horseshit attempt at ambiguous creativity along the lines of:

“I am most content not in intangible places, but rather when I’m in a good mental state. Like, when the starving child I rescued squeezes my hand gently. Then, I feel like I truly know the meaning of life ”.

(silent gag)

 

Whereas now, as a liberated college student, not much unlike us, could answer that question earnestly with something sounding like:

“I am most content in my bed. With a (insert what kinda creature you like to fuck here). After I cum. That always feel very nice”.

 

No beating around the proverbial bush there, eh?  Isn’t it just so delectable to think of how differently we could answer the rest of those ridiculously forced questions?

BUT WAIT, WE CAN.

Here’s how I presume we might like to answer the rest of the 2013-2014 Common Application Essay Questions:

 

“Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story”

Nawp. Sadly, I am not a three-legged Native American who fought against aggressive alcoholism to end up getting a 38 on the ACT. I’d rather keep my normal-ness to myself because if I don’t, you will be unimpressed by my identity.

 

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?”

….Failure… Fay-la-yerr… Faw-lee-ya… Fu-whooooo-sha…? Sorry not familiar; I go to Northwestern. (Who needs false modestly when our forthright douchebaggery is so refreshing??).

 

“Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?”

Well, last night my friend said, “hey, let’s go to the library” and I said, “naw”.  Instead, I sat in my undies and overdosed on gummy vitamins. I would make that decision again. In fact, I make that decision every weeknight of my life.

 

“Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family”

I mean, when my balls dropped. Ya. I think that might just be when I knew I was no longer a child.

 

As the days grow longer, and the leaves begin to fall we can be thankful for many things. Most importantly, the arrival of pumpkin flavored coffee farts, wind-blown pirate shirts, and the absence of HORSESHIT college applications.

Commentary: The Leaves Are Changing Colors, The Smell of Autumn Is in the Air, and I Need Immediate Medical Attention

Commentary: The Leaves Are Changing Colors, The Smell of Autumn Is in the Air, and I Need Immediate Medical Attention

Five Alternative Uses for your Copy of Whistling Vivaldi

Five Alternative Uses for your Copy of Whistling Vivaldi