I Found Love in the Tent: Where to Have Sex During NUDM
It was block 2. Fresh and bushy-tailed, we locked eyes across the sweaty masses. The Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” was playing loudly over the speakers, which was an actual real thing that happened. Our chemistry was palpable. Your shirt and yellow bandana across your forehead were soaking wet. It was hot.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the definitive ranking of the 5 best places to get freaky during Northwestern Dance Marathon.
5. Behind the food concessions stand.
Many people forget that this exists, so it’s a good place to escape the masses. I recommend going around block 6 so you can hide behind the plethora of unopened nutrigrain bars. However, it’s basically just a few pieces of wood held together with 3 nails and the grace of God so remain cautious. I personally found this as an exciting selling point because I’ve always dreamt of living out a Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 situation.
4. In the main marquee.
You’d think that this would be too vulnerable of a location, but you’d be surprised. It’s always pitch black and weirdly foggy inside so visibility remains low. Also, I’m pretty sure the time space continuum stops in there anyways. However, this wasn’t my favorite because my pussy smelled like moist grass for the next 3 blocks.
3. Straight up on the stage.
*beware* This must be done during a block change. The emcee’s have left to cry in the bathroom and the productions committee is too busy hoisting banners and screaming at each other to notice. Don’t fear security either, they’re circle-jerking each other in Norris Lake Room. This location is not for the faint of heart. But I loved the thrill.
2. Behind the right screen.
If you’re looking for a more romantic ambience, I would suggest sneaking behind the right projector and going for it behind the light arch. People forget that the tent continues beyond this point. There’s even a little wizard man in a cloak back there. He offered me Vitamin Water, and a condom.
1. Literally anywhere during Sandstorm.
Fuck on the dance floor. Fuck directly in front of the roving camera. Fuck while crowd surfing the most oppressively sweaty mosh pit of Pike pledges you’ve ever seen. No one gives a shit. The rules of democracy are suspended and the world collapses into flaming chaos. The battle cries of angels ring out across the floor. The world is yours.
I hope you found this helpful, and remember to immediately start canning for NUDM 2020 and not shutting the fuck up about it. Give me some of your parents money and you can oppress my biodome anyday ;)