I don’t like Chris Brown. For a number of reasons. I’ll lay those reasons out here.
- His beard looks stupid. Have you seen this beard? It’s stupid isn’t it? Now look behind the beard at the face of the person whose beard it is. That’s Chris Brown. It’s his stupid beard.
- He tweets about eye sharts. After Jenny Johnson challenged Chris Brown on Twitter, he responded by saying that he was going to shart on her retina. While we were impressed that he knew what a retina is, we were less impressed that he continued to exist.
- He didn’t stand for Frankie. Frank Ocean won a Grammy for his good singing. When they announced that Frankie had been properly honored, everyone stood in joy and applauded. Not Chris Brown. He sat there like a douche.
- He hit Frank Ocean. Prior to the Not Standing of 2013, Chris Brown got into an altercation with Frank Ocean in a parking lot. Like a douchefuck. He hit Frankie and then also maybe said the anti-gay things and later the police were there.
- He threw a chair on the Today Show. When he was invited to come apologize for who he is as a person on the Today Show, Chris Brown instead decided to throw a fucking chair. Because he’s a bad person.
- He had this fucking hair. It was unacceptable.
- He lied about doing community service. Chris Brown was sentenced to do community service once to try to make up for the first 23 years of his life. He said that he did it. He did not. Instead, he left the country. Fuck him.
- He beat Rihanna. That’s what the community service was for. It was for beating his girlfriend.