I Choose You: Six Pokémon That I Would (Hypothetically) Have Sex With

So it’s sex week again, and while those with sex lives (or just lives in general) are out getting some, those of us who write for Sherman Ave aren’t as fortunate are with the only thing that’s ever loved us – videogames.  So while I sit in my hallway, trying to not hear the sounds of my roommate’s passionate encounters, I couldn’t help but think of the top six Pokémon that make me wanna use the moves “Harden” and “Pound.” 1. Ditto “I want it that way.” With Ditto, that phrase is not just the name of a song by the Backstreet Boys. Much like Burger King, Ditto lets you have it your way. Ditto can transform into anyone you want – Jennifer Lawrence, that hot girl in your bio class, your Russian Lit TA, Jennifer Lawrence…the possibilities are endless. Fantasies could be fulfilled. Plus, doing it would be less gross, because it wouldn’t seem like you were doing it with a Pokémon. Which, when you think about it, is pretty weird.

2. Jynx Often referred to as being ‘hotter than Moltres, but in a different way.’ Alternatively known as 'that one Pokémon that's kinda racist.' Really the only Pokémon that is blatantly supposed to look like a trashy ‘lady of the night.’ Also the only one given boobs for no apparent reason. Considering that “Kiss” is one of its moves, as well as “Lick,” its ready for anything. It’s not designed to look like a seductress for nothing. It just wants you to go ahead and ‘Cubone’ it. Come on. Its not weird to admit you’ve thought about it. Okay, it is weird, but not that weird.

3. Cloyster/Weepinbell Also known as the two ‘vagina Pokémon.’ Weepinbell is basically just a living fleshlight, and Cloyster is pretty obviously modelled after a pussy. Note: while I’d put my ‘Rhyhorn’ in a Weepinbell, avoid doing anything with a Victreebeel. Sure, one of its moves is ‘Swallow,’ but that thing has teeth. You do not want to get bitten. Trust me on that. I heard the plot of the movie Teeth, and it was pretty much the scariest experience of my life.

4. Lickitung Officially called “The Licking Pokémon.” That tongue has something for everyone, and is supposedly very receptive to all sorts of tastes. A Pokémon like that just makes you want to use the moves “Eruption” or “Megahorn.” So go ahead. Beedrill that Lickitung, hard.

5. Magikarp Magikarp literally does nothing, aside from sit there with its open mouth and its stupid face. Much like many a lover from the Keg (may its everlasting memory rest in peace), it’s there and you can have it, no matter how crappy the hookup is gonna be, so why wouldn’t you? It probably won’t even notice that anything is happening, because it’s a fucking Magikarp.

6. Misty So she’s technically not a Pokémon, but I don’t really care because she counts. Misty is hot. Too hot for a children’s TV show. Seriously, search Misty into google images. Some pretty fucking hot weird shit comes up. Every time I think about Misty, it makes me as hard as a Geodude. The thought of her alone makes me wanna Squirtle. I’m not ashamed to say that I would Slowpoke that gal anytime.