Hyper Scientific Weatherman Definitely Gets Off on This Stuff
DAYTON - On Wednesday night, local News 12 meteorologist Phil Dyson began an extensive, enthusiastic, and scientifically accurate weather report that left viewers with the impression that he definitely gets off on this stuff. The 45-year-old weather forecaster, who possesses a Ph.D. in atmospheric science, has shown clear signs of arousal by the subject, incorporating 3D simulations, interactive charts, and deep, guttural exhales into his daily forecasts. “Phil’s got a real stiffy for the weather”, commented fellow news anchor Steve Lakin, “always has, always will.” Dyson has refused to dumb down his forecasts in the name of public understanding, going as far as to give a five minute lecture on midwestern air temperature patterns, all the while clutching a production assistant’s arm as his knees quivered uncontrollably. During a brief commercial break, Dyson rushed to the restroom clutching his smartphone after receiving a flash flood warning from the National Weather Service. Producer Michael Stitsken says he appreciates Mr. Dyson’s devotion to the study of climatology, but wishes he “would actually blink once and a while.” Dyson’s “The More You Know” segment, which explains the origins of various meteorological phenomena, centered around the mechanics of tornado formation, which Dyson demonstrated by engaging in sexual conduct with a cotton candy machine. At press time, Mr. Dyson had taken a position at the Weather Channel, who cited his “impassioned, rock-hard reporting style” as their incentive for hiring him.