How to Tell If You're Dating a Christmas Ham
We all come from different walks of life. Everyone has their own story and their own way of doing things, and we shouldn't judge someone just because they act different from us. But sometimes, every now and then you might have to ask yourself: Am I dating a Christmas ham? Well worry no longer, because I've got some tips that should definitely straighten things out.
Tip #1: The Taste Test
This tip is very simple, and very sensual. ;) All you have to do is this: next time you give your partner oral sex, use your tongue—that's the pink, floppy thing that most people have in their mouth—to examine how they taste. Do they taste sweet? Salty? A little bit like a black forest ham? This may be a sign that your partner is actually a ham. Be warned though, this is only a SIGN. Lots of people have hammy crotches and just because they taste like a sweet almond-glazed ham, does NOT mean they are one.
Tip #2: The Text Test
This one is a little more invasive, so you might want to consider your relationship carefully before trying it. Simply put, read your partner's text messages or emails when they're away. Look for certain keywords that signal that your partner might be a ham. If they talk about, “hamming the fuck up” or “getting smoked, basted, broiled”, it's possible they might be a juicy piece of pork. For a less intrusive test, try texting them “What's up?” from work when you know they're at home. If they take 30 minutes or more to respond, they might be cheating on you—or, they might be a Christmas ham.
Tip #3: The Time Test
This last one takes a little while, but almost definitely tell you whether the person you're dating is a person, or just a cut of pig. All you gotta do is wait. That's it! Over time, most Christmas hams start to lose their “freshness” pretty quickly. By now, you may have noticed that your partner is a little dryer than when you first met them. They might even have suspicious spots and bruises, or a noxious smell that they try to convince you is a new perfume, but as soon as you see rotting pieces of their body start to fall off, you'll know—that bitch is a lying piece of slow-roasted, honey-glazed ham. If that's the case then you should not hesitate to throw them out onto the curb; lying and deceit are some of the most toxic things to any relationship, and even if you think you love them, ask yourself: Do I really think I can raise a family with a ham from Christmas 2014? That lied to me? The answer should be clear every time. You are worth more than that.