How to Talk to Your Friends Who Go to Different Colleges over Thanksgiving Break

We’re all really excited to see our friends from home over break, but there’s one thing we all know. Their experiences will be a little different than ours. Here’s how to confront all of those inevitable conversations.

Your Friend at a School in a Warm Place

You: Hey! How are you! How has school been?

Miami Mike: It’s been great! Everyone told me I’d get sick of the beach after three weeks, but it’s been three months and I still love it!

You: That’s great. You know, the day after it drops below zero, Northwestern brings out the Frostbite Express. It’s like, free public transportation. Go ‘Cats!

Your Friend at an Ivy that Rejected You

You: Wow, how has it been so long since we last talked? How are you doing?

Ivy McDouchebag: It has been fabulous. I have never been so intellectually stimulated in my life. The people… the campus… it’s just everything. I still can’t believe you never got off the waitlist. You would have loved it here.

You: Oh no worries, I’m actually really, really happy where I—

Ivy McDouchebag: Oh yeah! How is Northeastern?

You: *throw your drink at them*

Your Friend that We Accidentally Beat at Football

You: Long time, no see! We beat you in football.

Bucky the Badger: Yeah, that was totally a fluke.

You: Haha, but we definitely beat you.

Bucky the Badger: Yeah. I mean, we’re ranked way ahead of you so—

You: You lost the game, Bucky.

Bucky the Badger: True, but come basketball seas—

You: WE AREN’T FUCKING TALKING ABOUT BASKETBALL SEASON. YOU LOST. WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE, PULL THE 30 FOOT POLE OUT OF YOUR ASS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

Your Friend at a Liberal Arts School

You: Heyo, what’s up man?

Liberal Linus: Gender is a social construct.

You: Oops, I forgot… umm…

Liberal Linus: Well, we all make mistakes.

You: I’m still not sure I did.

Liberal Linus: Excuse me?

You: …

Liberal Linus: …

Your Friend at a State School

You: What’s up? How’s school?

ASU Alice: basically… SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS-SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS-SHOTS, SHOTS—

You: I’m glad you’re having fun. Have you thought anymore about your major?

ASU Alice: EVERYBODY!—Oh, I’m still not sure. Currently I’m majoring in MAKING MEMORIES!

You: Great, I think there’s a really high demand for those in Silicon Valley.

ASU Alice: Do you have any cool stories?

You: Yeah. Last week I drank so much Franzia, I threw up so—

ASU Alice: That’s err…sweet. I’ve got to tell you, everyone at ASU is SO HOT.

You: Well, we Wildcats look like we have great personalities.