The leaves are changing, footballs are being thrown, clichés are being written, and a Republican Senate candidate is saying stupid things about rape. All the sure signs of a typical fall are here. And that means one thing: HALLOWEEN. Yes, the night when it is acceptable to pour all the alcohol on your face while dressed up as a Korean pop star is upon us. But there’s a pretty good chance that for most of your life, you’ve been doing Halloween right. That’s a problem.
You don’t want to do Halloween right. You want to do Halloween heinous. For that reason, we’ve compiled a scientific list of the top six ways to absolutely ruin Halloween. Please use them responsibly to ensure that no one has any fun this All Hallows Eve:
- Find a group and dress as sexy Middle Eastern dictators. For years, the tradition of dressing as a sexy version of a not-sexy
thing has been enshrined in American culture. This is the part where you take it considerably too far. Think of the most hein-daddy Middle Eastern or North African dictator, dress like him, then add boobs. BAM. You’ve ruined Halloween for everyone, now we all have to go sit in a corner with a jar of peanut bar and our self-loathing.
- Puke on a barn. Phright Night is an annual Halloween party that The Daily once called “a trainwreck of a campus Halloween tradition.” As part of our ongoing feud with The Daily, we’d like to one up them once again by calling it an unthinkable shitstorm of belligerent heinousness. So if you’ve scored a wristband, consider it your duty to make us not be liars for once. Start butt-chugging well in advance to ensure that you’ll be the douche on the bus who dry heaves on that kinda cute girl’s face. Yell about how excited you are to go to Indiana because you’ve never left America before. Ask all the girls in the sexy Muammar Gaddafi costumes if they’re aware of his human rights record. Try to ride the horses. And, most importantly, puke on the barn.
- Hand out condoms to young trick-or-treaters. Safe sex is great sex!
- Be a massive, terrifying Frankenstorm that threatens to tear the East Coast limb from limb.
Did you ever see The Day After Tomorrow? Of course you did, it was great. Well that might be about to happen in the most populous part of the greatest nation on Earth. According to scientist-looking people in white lab coats, Hurricane Sandy is the only force more destructive and deadly than Phright Night, and has naturally decided to target the Northeast on Halloween. And while I’ve never been through a violent hurricane that clashes with a ferocious Noreaster to spawn 40 foot hell waves of icy death, my guess is that there is little trick-or-treating done while mankind’s doom bears down on the world.
- Don’t wear a culturally insensitive costume. OH WAIT, THIS ISN’T HEINOUS. THIS AN UNTHINKABLY FUCKING SIMPLE REQUEST. JESUS.
- Tell all your friends that out of cultural sensitivity, this year you’re only going to celebrate El Dia de los Muertos. Mispronounce “muertos” every fucking time. Get hammered on hammered on Halloween anyway and tell everyone you’re just celebrating “El Dia Antes del dia los Muertos.”