Hey there. Hi. Yes, you. You, the person we've never seen in this class before. You, the one who tried to cram 7 equations and 168 pages the night before (160 pages because you skipped the real-world example blurbs). Let us introduce ourselves.
We are the members of the class that make up that 100-level distro you thought would be easy but woops you forgot at Northwestern every class is weed-out. You may not know this but we hang out a lot. Where ,you may ask? Only every single one of the professor’s office hour session, and we haven’t seen you at a single one. In fact, we can’t even remember seeing you at one of the professor’s intimate home-cooked dinner parties either.
Anyway, last night the class and John, sorry, “Professor Glenn,” got to talking over the professor’s famous spinach pasta. We realize you aren’t exactly prepared for the final tomorrow. We also found the 21 procrastination status updates of yours absolutely tasteless. But yeah, tomorrow you will be sitting at your desk with a packet of problems that might as well be written in brail. You may want to go crazy, but please, from us, the rest of the class who has been studying since we got our hands on the syllabus this summer, do it in a respectful manner.
1.) If you must anxiously click your pen, click it to a beat
We get it, you didn’t study and it’s stressful. Please stop reminding us by stressing out your pen spring more than an Ohio State student at a job interview. Exemplify some dignity and click to a cheerful song while the rest of us ace the exam; we would like to request “My Sharona,” or maybe Beethoven’s “String Quintet in E-flat major.”
2.) Hyperventilate through a medium
Reduce your chronic heaving by directing it through some cloth or a straw. We know it looks strange, but your life is already over.
3.) Keep your crying to a muffled submissive whimper
It’s tempting to sob, we know, we felt the same way when the National Alliance of Elite Scientific Minds rejected our petition to have a planet named after us. Unfortunately, it’s very distracting and your tears are refracting light at irregular angles. It’s very irritating.
4.) Think about a happier moment in time
Give up and don’t think about the exam for reasons listed in #2 and #3. We know there must be something good that happened in your life.
Remember when you caught Mewtwo with just an Ultra Ball? That was unreal! Send your metaphysical body to a time when college was a far off thought and the hardest part of your day was stomaching skim milk even though you explicitly told your mom you wanted 2%. There there, it’ll all be over soon.
5.) Stay still, your desk is not a see-saw
This a classroom at an esteemed university, not a playground. I would really appreciate it if- hey wait. Did you get the answer to number 4a? I meant to review this but I had the formula. I just need this one answer, but also what’s your thesis? I swear, I knew this stuff before I went to sleep.
I literally just need to see how you started the problem. It’s not like I have to see your exam, I could definitely figure it out if I sat here a little longer. Don’t be selfish though, haha. What are you doing? No, don’t do that. Don’t cover your test. Come on, okay tap once for yes and twice for no. Are you supposed to use the annual growth rate equation if you’re just finding the growth over a month? WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?