It’s bound to happen at some point. You find yourself slightly intoxicated wandering around a crowded frat thinking, “Fuck, all I want to do is dance.” You’re with some friends, you meet up with a small group of people you kind of know, some you don’t know at all, and awkward small talk ensues. You, being the friendly gal you are -- albeit somewhat under the influence -- introduce yourself to a seemingly nice guy. For a while, things seem normal. Then somewhere along the course of the night, you discover you’ve introduced yourself to “The Creeper.”
Ladies, it’s time we learn not to attract those guys who, drunken or not, will not leave you the hell alone for a minute after you talk awkwardly about your majors or what other houses you’ve been to that night (aka things that don’t fucking matter). There are a few telltale signs of the creeper that we all must learn, so we can have just ONE night of carefree drunken dancing.
The first thing you want to look out for is bodily contact. Be aware of how long it takes your newly formed acquaintance to put his hands on or near your ass. If he does that or puts his arm around you within two minutes of meeting you, this is a bad sign. If he pulls the “someone just bumped into me so I’m going to ‘accidentally’ bump into you and cop a feel” move, just get yourself the hell out of there. If someone feels so inclined to touch you while you talk about how “you just don’t know what to do with your life,” something just isn’t right. Move on.
Be on the look out for weird, creepy, clingy sounding lines your new acquaintance. Let’s say you managed to get yourself away from “The Creeper” for a bit, but all of a sudden you run into him on the dance floor. If you try to fight his invitations to dance, swap spit, etc, and he pulls out some horrifying line like “you know you want it,” or “why wouldn’t you want to hang out with a senior...are you stupid?”* there should be an automatic alarm going off inside your hazy mind screaming “CREEPER ALERT!" Pretend you see your best girlfriend and are going to go bring her to dance too, and get the hell out of that room and preferably that house.
If you successfully avoided your special acquaintance for the rest of the night, you should feel a slight sense of personal victory. That shit is hard work, because somehow they always end up in your line of vision. That sense of accomplishment will only last, however, until you check Facebook and you see you have a new friend request from the fucker. Or, if by some horrible misfortune you’ve already added him, he has messaged you. DO NOT accept any friend request or respond to any messages or, even more horrific, texts. Just don’t. He might try to lure you back to him by informing you he has the lipstick you dropped** at the party last night, “so now you have to come see [him] again ;).” Congratulations, you’ve found “The Creeper.” Even if that lipstick was your favorite, it’s not worth another encounter with his heinous come-ons and god awful flirting. Consider it a sacrifice to the creeper-prevention gods and go buy yourself a new one if it was really that important to you. It probably made you look like a slut anyways.
While this article does not deal with all the horrible doings of “The Creeper,” these are the most typical signs that you have encountered your very own not-so-secret creepy admirer. Ladies, keep these signs in mind. Now that we’ve identified “The Creeper,” we can now ban together to save each other. Do not be afraid to jump into a group of dancing girls you don’t know in an attempt to avoid him, just say, “Creeper alert,” and we will all understand and protect you. As for the gentlemen who read this article in an attempt to figure out more about the ways of the mind of a girl, nice try but it’s impossible. Give up now. Instead, take this as a warning. Do not do these things. Do not become “The Creeper.” And if you think you might be “The Creeper,” history will judge me for not having killed you, you ignorant slut.
*actual words that have been seriously said to girls by their respective “Creeper”
**by dropped I mean, while he was trying to wrap his arm around your waist, he stole it from your back pocket