How to Avoid the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge
You won’t. But just in case you wanted to try: 1. Say that you live in the Arctic and to participate would be irresponsible.
2. Get off of the grid — get off Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, throw away your cell, change your name, actually move to the Arctic.
3. Apply to college, get incredible grades and then get into a top-notch med school. Graduate at the top of your class and begin tirelessly looking for a cure.
4. Fully assume your douchebag identity and start a raging campaign on Facebook entitled, “How much is this really helping?” or “What about the people who don’t have ice?!”*
5. Donate your entire life’s savings to the ALS Association and seek immunity.
6. Tell your friends that you can’t afford a camera and don’t know anyone who can afford a camera and so there’s no way to possibly document that you completed the Ice Bucket Challenge, which you did of course, and that if they don’t believe you they’re just being insensitive and can’t they see that you already feel really upset about it?
7. Make friends with people who don’t care about good causes.
8. Search the planet for your doppelgänger, take pictures of yourself committing incriminating offenses, threaten to frame them for these crimes unless they agree to go onto your Facebook and douse themselves with ice water and give you all the credit and make you look like a good person.
9. Join the Peace Corps, leave the country for a year, maybe longer, make sure that you post a ton of pictures every single day of yourself with hundreds of Senegalese school children so that whenever your friends think to tag you in the challenge they will remember that you are somewhere doing a lot of good and that they shouldn’t take you away from that selfless work.
10. Become the evil witch from the Wizard of Oz — convince all of your friends for month that you just woke up green one day and that you really wanted to meet the Wizard but then you found out that he was just a fraud and you felt incredibly disillusioned and then people started to judge you because they didn’t understand you and because you didn’t look like them, and they were planning on killing your love so you decide to turn him into a scarecrow to protect him and suddenly you just started to fulfill what seemed to be your destiny to be evil and that if they make you pour a bucket of water on yourself they’re pretty much asking you to commit suicide but that they should remember that there’s still possibly some good left in you and to not give up hope.
*This will ensure that you lose all of your social media friends and so no one will even be able to challenge you if they wanted to.
