How Many Fucking Dollars Do I Have To Donate Before I’m Recognized For Something Besides Being Warren Buffett’s Sister? By Roberta Buffett Elliott
Not this shit again. My whole life, I’ve had to live in Warren’s fat, stupid shadow. No matter how many A’s I got in school or how many goals I scored in my soccer matches, all anything anyone talks about is Warren. Oh, Warren’s so smart, Warren’s so handsome, Warren’s pledged to give away 99% of his fortune to philanthropic causes. Big whoop.
No one wants to talk about my accomplishments. All Mom and Dad ever wanted to talk about was Mr. Perfect, Mr. Captain of the Varsity Football Team, Mr. Chairman, CEO and largest shareholder of Berkshire Hathaway. I got a 5 on my AP History test! He goes to UPenn Wharton*, I go to Northwestern, which some people start calling the Warren Buffett’s Little Sister of the Ivy League. I’m not even mentioned on his Wikipedia page.
So I try and do something big, something that will give ole Bertie her moment to shine. I spend years pinching pennies, saving up so that the world will say, “Hey, that Roberta Buffett sure is some lady. What’s her brother do again?” That’s when I cooked up this $101 million donation business, which I thought was a pretty swell idea. Biggest donation in a university’s history!
But then once Warren hears that Northwestern is having a press conference for me, he just has to jet out for a slice of the limelight. God forbid he miss an opportunity for attention. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad my big bro came out support me, but of course then the whole event becomes about him. How many people do you think asked me for a selfie, huh?
So really, what will it take for you all to stop thinking of me as Warren Buffett’s little sister? More money? I can up the donation to $200 million and throw in a goose that lays Faberge eggs. Just once I’d like to see someone call him Roberta Buffett Elliot’s brother. How much will it cost to get that on a building?
*Before transferring to Nebraska! A state school. Remember that, Mom and Dad?
