How Bankrupting Brew Bike with Only Free Water Cups is Totally Doable
Staunch opponents of Brew Bike have long believed the best way to rid this campus of mobile cold brew was a two-pronged approach: dirty looks and a long unwavering boycott, with a few slip ups here and there. Today, we offer a new, practical approach: get free water cups until they go bankrupt.
The idea is simple. Use Brew Bike’s generosity to destroy their thriving student-run business. Our comrades in the fight against capitalist greed might be wondering how this is even possible. Well, don’t worry. We crunched the numbers and it’s 100% doable.
First, we want to find out just how much those fancy shmancy plastic cups cost. A pack of 1,000 Greenware cups cost $99.  For rounding purposes, we will say a cup costs $.1. And for all you Environmental Policy minors, don’t worry, because these cups are compostable!
The cup is not the only cost to Brew Bike though, they also need to pay for all that delicious free water we’re going to be drinking. In Evanston, the first 500 cubic feet of water are free. We don’t have to worry about that though, Brew Bike cranks through the first 500 cubic feet when they’re filling their pools and making coffee or that nitro bullshit. After the first 500 cubic feet, it is $2.74 per 100 cubic feet. This is where we come in. 100 cubic feet of water is equivalent to 784 gallons of water. 784 gallons of water would fill 8,363 free water cups. Therefore, the cost to fill one cups with water is about $0.00032763362.
That means each free water cup costs Brew Bike a whopping $0.10032763362! Fuck, that’s expensive. If we assume Brew Bike is making 1 million dollars in profits, which they totally are, then it would take 1,000,001/0.10032763362 = 9,967,353.59859 free water cups to make them start losing money.
9,967,353.59859 cups may seem like a lot, but if we break that number down on a per day basis it seems way smaller! There are roughly 210 days in the academic year so that means we would need to get 47,463.5885647 free water cups per day. I know what you are thinking – 47,000 cups a day? I can do that in my deep, caffeineless sleep- and you are right. If each one of the 8,278 Northwestern Undergraduates does their part, then each of us only needs to grab 5.73370241178 free water cups per day to bankrupt Brew Bike.
So folks, you heard it here first. We are only 5.74 free water cups per day away from the return of sweet sweet café Bergson.