Look how joyous! Look how merry!
The Boxing Day Season is my favorite time of year. Nothing beats sitting inside by a warm fire with a cup of Hot Cocoa while
Mother Nature smites those outside with a terrible combination of cold, snow, and rain. People’s summertime tans fade, leaving behind a sexy, ghost-like complexion that medieval women used to bleed themselves to attain. Boxing Day pumps billions of dollars into the economy, as well. People legitimately assault each other over high-demand items, and Jos. A. Bank’s yearly “Buy One, Get 30 Free” sale starts up again. American Capitalism is in full swing.
Sherman Ave sent me, The Honorable Dr. Turlington, around the greater New York area[1] to ask residents how they’re celebrating Boxing Day. Here are some of the choicest responses:
How are you celebrating Boxing Day?
“Testifying.”
—Emily Briggs, Office Max Manager
“With Sock ‘em Boppers[2].”
—Theodore Coughlin, Entrepreneur
“Get out. You’re not 21. You can’t be in here after seven.”
—Trayvon Carter, Bartender
“I don’t know, how are you celebrating Boxing Day?”
—Hattie Ryan, Curator
“I’m not sure I understand the question.”
—Jimmy Van Der Schaaft, Pharmacist
“[Joyously, with friends and family.]”
—Barney Ng, Railroad Baron
“Burning my godforsaken landlord in effigy.”
—Maximilian Crews, Lithographer
“Kid, I’m serious. Do you want me to call the cops?”
—Trayvon Carter, Bartender
“Miley style.”
—Cameron Effingham, Billboard Poster
“…”
—Grover Cleveland, U.S. President
“Getting drunk on mouthwash.”
—Rose Walker, Industrial Engineer
“Are you asking me out?”
—Madeleine Black, Pediatric Orthopedist
“Hello, police?”
—Trayvon Carter, Bartender
[1](New Jersey)
[2] Author’s note: They are, indeed, more fun than a pillow fight.
