We conducted extensive interviews in an effort to assess the viability of each royal member of the Homecoming Court to lead Northwestern University as its Homecoming King or Queen. Yando Lopez was our first interview for this heinous project, and as such all giggles on behalf of the interviewer have been redacted. Yando's great, and put up with a lot of our shit.
Okay. So remind me. How do you spell your last name?
And what about your middle name?
And your mother's maiden name?
Great! So what are you studying?
Statistics and musical theater.
How the hell did you develop a passion for statistics and musical theater?
When I was a child, I watched the Count sing about numbers. I said, "hey, that's what I want to do with my life!"
So why did you choose to come to Northwestern?
It was between Northwestern and Carnegie Melon, and Pittsburgh is ugly.
It is very, very ugly.
It's all steel. And ugly, ugly people.
And where are you originally from?
So how do you feel about Hialeah, Florida?
Ugly. But less ugly than the people in Pittsburgh. Well, maybe more. But the city of Pittsburgh sucks.
Who's the most relevant person to come from your hometown?
Well, I'm from a suburb of Miami.
So the truth comes out.
People from Miami don't care if you say you're from Miami, even if you're from a suburb. I'll say me.
No, I said relevant.
If you had to marry, kill, or screw somebody on Homecoming Court, who would it be?
YIKES!!! Do I have to?
No, you don't have to if you don't want to.
Will the answer be made public?
Then I... I... still abstain.
Can you please define 'Northwestern hot?'
So Karl Marx once said that "social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included. Discuss.
Fairer as in lighter? Or juster?
I think he would have been more specific if he wanted to.
I don't know. I plead the fifth. I'm just the dumbest member of the Court.
No you're not. You're better than every member we've interviewed so far! [we had not interviewed anybody prior to Yando] Do you want a radish?
I would love a radish! The vegetable?
If given the choice, would you rather be eaten by a shark in the Pacific, or the Atlantic Ocean?
The Pacific. I think California's more interesting than Florida.
Say you're getting married. And your spouse wants to spend a week-long honeymoon in a place without electricity. But the chosen week is during Shark Week. How do you respond?
Go to a mountain waaaay up high. Where there are no sharks.
But you're going to miss Shark Week!
So I love Shark Week, in this scenario? Because I don't care that much about Shark Week to be honest.
Glad we got that on the record. Now we'll give you the set-up for a joke, and we want you to give us the punchline in 30 seconds. So a priest, a rabbi, and Morty Schapiro walk into a bar...
And Morty says... Look at that guy, with the lapel and small nose...
I'm not going to be a comedian, guys!
Imagine that you've decided to start a business selling tampons. How do you make your product stand out, and not seem like just another tampon?
I'm glad you asked me that. Maybe tie-dyed. Maybe tie-dyed tampons.
How long would they stay tie-dyed?
I would just throw them all in the tie-dye, swish them around...
Wouldn't they become the same color, lose their tie-dye?
Well, the wrapper. You tie-dye the wrapper. Because nobody's going to want to stick a rainbow colored tambow up their pee-hole.
What is the funniest thing that has happened to you that has involved both sexual tension and rodents? I hope this doesn't get too real.
Well. There once was a mouse by the name of Tampon. Tie-Dye. Bennn. His name was Bennn. With three 'n's. So there. And it was a good looking mouse. But, I had to kill it. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Well great, so on the topic of death, if a woman gives birth to a red-haired child, what is the best way to do away it?
A blender. Or a microwave. Or both? No, just the blender.
Are we human, or are we dancers?
VOTE NOW for this year's Homecoming King and Queen!