Here’s How to Come Back from Summer a Lot Hotter and Oh Shit It’s August You’re Fucked Sorry
Every year, there is always that one bitch that comes back to fall quarter from at least 3 degrees hotter and that certain dude who, suddenly, is just fucking jacked and drinks protein shakes like it’s the cure for his micropenis. Maybe she dyed her hair blonde. He might have blown off working a “real” internship to move into first floor SPAC. Maybe she went to Soul Cycle™ four times a week and when she ran out of classes... Pure Barre baby. He surely checked the UV index and calculated the distance between the earth and the sun every hour of the day for optimal tanning conditions. She might have even eaten a singular shred of kale drenched in lemon juice (acid eats away fat; take note). This summer, let that bitch be you – yeah, those zeebs will be asking your already hot friends, who their “new” pal is – if you follow these guaranteed attention-grabbing tips. Except, oh wait, it’s August - you better get your fucking shit together and read the rest of this article ASAP if you have any chance of moving up the 1-10 scale (yeah, that’s right - you’re a North Campus 6 and a GENEROUS South Campus 4.5).
1. Go on a risky diet.
By diet, I don’t mean keto or “whole 30” or any of that other shit you’ve heard of. No. To truly come back to campus hot as hell, I recommend trying the classic Porn Star diet, which consists of only consuming toilet paper. However, you can eat as much good ol’ TP as you so desire, so this diet will keep you full and help you achieve your best summer bod. This is why Northwestern only has single ply toilet paper, those who know have eaten all the good shit. Again, it’s August though - go buy a 48 pack of Charmin Ultra Strong from the Evanston Target immediately.
2. Eat as many carrots as you can.
This might seem in conflict with Tip #1, but you need to return to campus with a sexy summer glow if you want to appear exponentially more smokin’. Yet tanning efforts can often result in horrible sunburns and bad tan lines, which I ensure you, are not hot. And if you’re a total sell out and have a real job with real hours, you won’t have time to tan because you’ll be “earning money” to “pay” for your “education.” Grow up, life is about aesthetics twatfaces. Luckily, you can solve this conundrum by eating an entire bag of baby carrots a day to achieve that classic and truly seductive “orangey” look. Think: Swiper from Dora the Explorer, or Nemo from Finding Nemo (I’m literally wet). But wait - summer is almost over - bump that up to three bags per meal.
3. Perform a keg stand once a day for lean, toned arms.
Part of being hot is also being sick as fuck, so I would recommend participating in a daily salute to the silver cylinder. This may be best in the morning before work or nannying a 14-year-old New Trier freshman, as this classic workout will really kickstart your day. However, all that beer might not be great for a tight physique, so my advice would be to only slightly twist the nozzle while guzzling down brewskis. This will also add to the façade of seeming like you can really handle your liquor, which is also an important aspect of becoming extremely and incredibly hot. Damn it, fall solstice is approaching fast, and you’ve probably spent the last two months sitting on your ass chugging 6 packs of Smirnoff Ice like a dumb bitch high schooler. That 30 grams of sugar per bottle absolutely set you back from achieving physical perfection.
4. Go off the grid during summer.
If you want to come back to campus exceptionally hotter than you were the year before, you will have to ghost every single person you know from Northwestern. Delete all your social media accounts. Break your phone and throw it into the damn trash. Move into an isolated cabin with no electricity for June through mid-September...aw man, it’s August. A critical aspect of returning to school hot as hell is that no one knows about or sees any of your transformation efforts. I would say you’re going to have disappear for a few months to do this one right, but again, it’s August. Drop all your electronics and belongings immediately and head to the fucking woods.
5. Change your name when you come back to campus.
To really maintain your new, hot persona when you are back at Northwestern, it’s fundamental that you change your name to remind people that you “aren’t the same person from freshman year” – you’re hot now, and ready to grab life by the balls of every frat boy who asked if you were a visiting high schooler last spring. This can be as simple as adopting a fun nickname – you could always rearrange the letters of “Ashley” to “Halsey,” for instance. However, you must insist on correcting anyone that refers to you by your old moniker. “It’s not Amanda anymore, Bryce. I go by Mariah now.” You might still have time for this one, but it’s not going to work unless you’re unrecognizably hot, and like...it’s August.
Follow these five steps and you will definitely spend fall quarter overjoyed with dick and/or pussy, and after all, why would you get hot just for yourself? Just kidding, it’s too late for you slores. Summer’s over - the semester kids are basically back in school.