Halliburton to Start Fracking Your Mom
In a move that has been sharply criticized by environmentalists, Halliburton has announced that will be constructing five new fracking towers in and around your mom’s vagina and anus. Halliburton, which began fracking operations in 1949, has recently expressed interest in your mom’s large natural gas reserves. Your mom, who has her own county because she’s so damn huge, is believed to contain five to six billion cubic feet of gas.
The company gained clearance by your mom’s county last week to construct the towers and begin operations shortly thereafter. Halliburton Executive Vice President of Administration Lawrence J. Pope notes:
“Your mom has been around for millions of years, and was once home to millions of prehistoric creatures. Over time, these creatures became buried underneath layers of your mom, and intense pressures converted their bodies into natural gas. Based on our initial measurements and observations of your mom, Halliburton estimates that your mom contains enough natural gas to meet the needs of 52,000-60,000 homes for a little over a year.”
Environmentalists, however, have harshly criticized the measure, calling for a complete revocation of the clearance given to Halliburton. Leading environmentalist Kevin Miller explains:
“[Fracking] creates huge environmental and human rights violations. It pollutes the environment to an extent that destroys entire ecosystems. There are many species that can’t be found anywhere else in the world that live and depend on your mom, and fracking will drive them to extinction.”
“Hundreds of thousands of people rely on your mom’s water supply,” Miller also noted, “and fracking does an exceptional job at contaminating water. I don’t want to be able to light my faucet water on fire.”
Halliburton has been working tirelessly to dissuade the public from believing environmental supporters. “Fracking is a completely safe and harmless process,” Pope claims. “Halliburton will simply be drilling into your mom, injecting high-pressure fluid into her vagina and anus, and extracting natural gas from inside her. Halliburton will be taking the utmost care in ensuring the safety of both the environment and the surrounding towns.”