When Penn State gets fucked by the Northwestern Wildcats tomorrow afternoon, prepare for the biggest scandal in Happy Valley to break out since...
Um...
Since the 2008 revelation that 46 Penn State football players had faced 163 criminal charges since 2002.
Yeah, let's go with that -- the shocking revelation of systematic abuse by people of authority that was CLEARLY the worst scandal to rock the athletic culture of the Nittany Lions.
Prepare for a 4,000-strong student riot to run amok through the streets of State College, protesting what will be the worst shock to Penn State's national brand since 6 Lions football players broke into an apartment and beat several students. Because when Kain Colter and Venric Mark absolutely fondle Penn State's defense, it could be the worst black mark on the University's football program since JoePa's intemperate remarks about sexual assault.
Yes, Penn State, it seems that Northwestern has picked up the banner of "Success with Honor" you left sullied on the ground. Get ready to experience the full brunt of shame from losing to a school that maintains integrity at both the University and within its athletic programs. The smell of defeat is going to be so bad you'll need to shower it off.
Penn State, we find you guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sucking.
Now we're not just horsing around here. We're going to beat you so bad we'll make Bill O'Brien blush redder than Mike McQuery's hair. Speaking of Mike, whatever happened to that guy? Haven't seen him around recently.
Sidebar: What the fuck is a Nittany Lion? And why does it look like Arthur the Aardvark's drug addled cousin? Who designed the mascot costume? A fourth grade -- you know what, never mind.
Prepare for Chi Chi Ariguzo and the rest of the Wildcat's front seven to show a total disregard for the safety and welfare of tomorrow's gridiron victims, which will only empower our defense to continue its systematic abuse of Matt McGloin at Beaver Stadium.
Hehehehe. Beaver.
According to the history books, Northwestern is an astounding 10-0 against Penn State dating back to 1998. So suck on that. Although we are a bit surprised that our incessant fucking of the Nittany Lions hasn't yet led to Penn State's establishment of an athletic culture and daily mindset in which football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.
Nevertheless, you still could have put a memento commemorating all that Coach Paterno did for your football program outside of the stadium. I don't know, maybe a statue or something. That's cold man. Just cold.
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