Many students here seem to be under a spell. Freshman, beware: everyone will try to convince you to join Russian Literature. Its natural; who doesn’t want to be in a 600 person lecture with all of their friends, and to boot you get to be in a discussion section WITH THE PROFESSOR! IN THE WILLARD COMMON ROOM? You don’t even have to put on a jacket to go to class. Which is, after all, what you think college is about when you first get here. Well, my fellow Northwestern Students, Americans, and foreigners who found a better place than that backwater country they were born in, I am a bit suspicious.
Why does he need so many students in a class? Why is it he will let in ANY Willardite that asks to be in the class? Why does he want to have his own discussion section, getting closer to these students IN THEIR OWN HOME? Gary Morson is a part of the KGB, sent here to convert these God-fearing Americans into the communist way of life. I mean come on, he teaches Russian Literature. Russia is the number one communist threat against America. Also he sure does look a lot like Vladimir Putin, doesn’t he?
Sources report that his midterms comprise of many multiple choice questions of EQUAL VALUE, but secretly, there is a long essay question that has the real power to make or break your grade. Also he has been noticed encouraging students to share their notes because “when we work together, everyone wins” (Morson, Lecture on 10/14/12). What the fuck is this shit? Our forefathers fought for the right for us to steal our classmate’s notes to give us the best advantage. When I was growing up, my parents always told me to remember that no one cares unless you are better than everyone else. The America I know and love was the America that let the Mafias have true rule over everyone else. The America I love taught us that money is power, and when you are better than other people, you will get a better job and make more money than them, and therefore be more powerful and they will become your slaves.
So just remember, all you freshmen who think that Russian Lit is the way to go, you need to make up for this tragic mistake you have made. Go dump a bunch of someone’s tea in the lakefill. Pick up a copy of Assassin’s Creed 3. Play a few rounds of beer pong (No Tee OT is necessary), but only with PBR or Budweiser. Carry a gun with you everywhere you go. And most importantly: fuck the Commies.