It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The fall semester is coming to a close, Christmas is approaching, and you are turning yourself into one giant sweater. However, with the holiday season comes another important annual occurrence: the end of your high school relationship. Yes, just as Kris Kringle shimmies down your chimney to give you a new iPhone and PS4 (PS4, MOM, NOT PS3. JESUS.), you similarly will wriggle your way out the relationship that was doomed to eventual failure over nine months ago when admission letters came out.
While breaking up is never an easy thing to do, it does not have to be an entirely bad experience. That’s why we here at Sherman Ave have gotten together to bring you the five best tips for breaking up with your significant other:
1. “This is nobody’s fault”
It’s not you, it’s not me, and it’s definitely not that guy I’ve been sleeping with from the third floor of your dorm for the past three weeks. This is just something that was bound to happen. This is something you need to constantly remind your (now) ex over the course of your breakup conversation. Mitigating personal blame from both of you is a great way to soften the blow of a painful breakup, and it’s something you both should keep in mind during this difficult conversation. Plus, if anyone’s really to blame for all of this, it’s them - so you may as well really drive that guilt home by being the bigger person.
2. No Breakup Sex
Another good way to make your breakup go smoother is to avoid having breakup sex. Breakup sex leads to “Maybe we shouldn’t break up” cuddling, which ends up becoming a two-hour long “you know what, I should’ve just dumped you over break, asshole” phone call three weeks down the road. It will muddle the whole conversation and make your breakup a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
What do you mean, what if your high school girlfriend was really hot? That’s still….okay, like how hot? Alex Morgan hot? Fine. No breakup sex unless your high school significant other is super super hot.
3. Take It Out on Your Family and Friends
One of the only good parts of breaking up with your high school significant other over break is that you’ll have your family and friends around to support you - and to absorb all of the emotion that you’re going to want to release. Taking out all of your sadness, anger, and frustration on those closest to you is a great way to alleviate some of the negative feelings the breakup may leave you with. Insulting your little sister, screaming at your best friend, or just shoving your grandma will help you release some tension and avoid actually hurting someone in a meaningful way, like accidentally responding with “No.” (WITH A PERIOD, WHAT THE FUCK!) to that guy you’ve been texting.
I consider this one sort of a cure all, kind of like a good night’s rest or a bucket of goat’s blood.
Editor’s Note: Do NOT masturbate during the breakup conversation. This is meant for after the talk, NOT during it.
5. Look Forward to The Future
Finally, as is important with any breakup, it’s crucial that you give yourself the opportunity to move forward and think about everything that does, and will, exist beyond this breakup. Ending what is likely your first major relationship can be difficult, but it also provides an opportunity to experience different things and learn a little more about yourself. College is an exciting place full of things to do, and though breaking up may feel like the end of a very significant part of your life, it is actually the beginning of another.
Don’t let yourself dwell on the past and keep your head up. You’ll be having crazy college sex in no time!