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Freshman Guide: Things To Do When You're Sexiled

Freshman Guide: Things To Do When You're Sexiled

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You’ve heard about it. You’ve read countless stories about it in Seventeen magazine. You’ve wondered if Seventeen so frequently covered it because it was a startling anomaly each time it happened and whether it was really just one of those classic college myths, like partying every night or saying hi to people you know on Sheridan Road. And you’ve questioned the honesty of the parent who told you “sexiling” was getting exiled from a country for the sixth time in a row and that it was a heated topic among UN diplomats. (This was the same parent who subscribed to Seventeen in your name as a birthday gift when you were well into your late teens. Only losers read Seventeen when they’re actually 17, and I’m not exactly trying to become one, Mom! Why does no one in this house understand me?!???!!)

To clear up those pesky rumors, sexiling most definitely refers to banishing one’s roommate to, as they way more creatively said in the 16th century, “dance the kipples,” and it is most definitely a reality in college. It happens to the best of us, so when that cutesy “Need the room ;)” text gives you the urge to gouge out that winking smiley face’s remaining open eye, here are some things you can do instead to pass the time:

  1. Purchase one of these mini card deck key chains; attach to belt loop of pants each evening as a precaution. Play tiny solitaire.
  2. Find a spare closet in your hall (there’s at least one in Willard) and start building a collection of board games there. “Don’t Wake Daddy,” “Sorry!” and “Don’t Cut the Cheese” are recommended starting points. Ostracize yourself by knocking on hall-mates’ doors and inviting them to a “Sorry!” tournament.

  1. Find a spare closet in your hall and tell your roommate to go have sex there; you want to watch the new Cutthroat Kitchen in the comfort of your own bed, goddammit!
  2. If your computer is locked in your room, find a computer engineer friend and start building one with them while you wait. You’ll feel like you’re making a good faith attempt to get some homework done this way. Plus, if you stick with it, the more your roommate has sex, the closer you’ll be to having your own 5th generation Intel Core processor with 4.0 MB cache and DDR3L 1333/1600 memory! Looks like the joke’s on them!
  3. See how fast you can spin your Wildcat Welcome lanyard around your finger. We know you’ll still be carrying that around with your key, freshman. Otherwise you’d be the one kicking out your roommate instead of having to read this.
  4. Repeat #5 with all other fingers.
  5. See how high you can count — yes, this seems a bit unchallenging for an intelligent Northwestern student like yourself. Calm down. I wasn’t done. Count by twos, but start with 1. We all know everyone’s way less confident on the odds than the evens.
  6. Pull! That! Fire alarm!
  7. Start blocking and choreography for when you inevitably resort to expressing your feelings about your tense roommate dynamics through a dramatic rendition of “What Is This Feeling?” from Wicked.
  8. Should your sexile last longer than you anticipate, stand outside your door and begin passive-aggressively performing your rendition of “What Is This Feeling?” from Wicked.
  9. When finished with #10, wait expectantly for a response, receive no response, assume this is because your roommate is upset with you for singing “What Is This Feeling?” and begin belting Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.”

Have these tips on hand, and then maybe someday, you’ll be able to suggest them to your own roommate. Or maybe you’ll just use them so often you have them memorized. It’s all right, champ. You’ve got the whole year ahead of you.

 

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