Freshman Guide: How to Show off How Edgy You Are
Northwestern University is crawling with politically correct, sensitive, mushy safe-space liberals who are coddling and censoring the world into idiocy. If you’re anything like me, you’re not one of them. You stick out from the crowd, go against the grain, dare to raise your voice and shout into the PC-inferno: “I am edgy! I am independent! Feminism is bad and I hate it!” But in this safe-space hellscape that is Northwestern, it becomes hard to express your edginess. Follow these tips to learn how to be a freethinker, state your edge, and pee wherever the fuck you want.
Never Let Anyone Silence Your Opinion
Let’s get one thing here perfectly straight right off the bat: You are entitled to your opinion, no matter what it is, no matter how you express it. If you express your opinion and anyone gets mad, tells you you’re wrong, or offers a counter argument, they are oppressing you. Freedom of speech is the most vital of American freedoms, and if it’s your opinion that we should have never had a black president, because he alienated white Americans because he was too black, and black Americans because he wasn’t black enough, then social justice fascists just need to buck up, listen to you, and respect your opinion. And, interestingly freedom of speech doesn’t just apply to words, it applies to actions! You can fucking pee wherever you want because that piss, that is your opinion.
No Joke Is Offensive
You know the old expression: You need to crack a few eggs to make an omelette, and in that same vain, you need to say faggot at least 63 times to make a joke. It’s just how comedy is, it’s not about cleverly subverting expectations, it’s about hurting people’s feelings and being controversial. PC culture is fucking ruining comedy, man, people think Louis CK is fucking offensive! Dudes on FX, that’s the entire point! And you know what, Jennifer, my piss is fucking funny, public urination is edgy and controversial, I can pee wherever the fuck I want, fuck you, you’re oppressing me.
Don’t Follow Trends
Northwestern students are always getting caught up in dumb fucking trends, like Pokemon Go, Canada Goose jackets, and social progress. An important part of being edgy is showing that you aren’t a sheep, that you can think for yourself, you’re a free thinker. Just because everyone else is creating a more equal society and ending bigotry doesn’t mean you can’t stand on your own against it, holding your ground, refusing to be oppressed by the PC police. Just because your dick RA Jennifer tells you that you can only pee in bathrooms, doesn’t mean you can’t pee wherever you damn well please, god dammit. Yes, there is a certain heroic element to edginess.
Force Everyone to Know How Smart You Are
The number one element of being edgy is knowing, and making sure everyone else knows, that you’re too smart to be a follower. You’re a genius. Obviously, the number one way to show you’re smart is to talk as much as possible, which is why Hitler was always giving speeches. So during discussion sections, I like to dominate and control the conversations. I talk as much as possible, and I take the conversation in tangential directions just to keep everyone on their toes. I interrupt the TA because he’s a fucking cog in the machine, and if anyone calls me out or tells me to give other people then they’re oppressing me. One day, I’ll work up the courage to pee all over the place during my discussion section. Then they’ll know how smart I am, then that feminazi Jennifer will know how smart you are.
Nobody Can Tell You Where You Can and Cannot Piss
If you take only one lesson from this entire article it is that you can pee wherever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want and if anyone tries to stop you, then they’re part of the fucking liberal hippie political correctness safe-space fascist communist feminist social justice death squad that’s come to rob you of your individuality, oppress you, and make you part of their machine. And there’s just one thing to do when that happens. You’ve gotta chug a gallon of Mountain Dew and piss in their fucking faces, assert your edginess, and prove your independence, no matter how many people you offend, disrespect, or damage on the way. It is truly an American victory. Never let anyone tell you where to fucking piss. Not ever.