Freshman Guide: Finding Treasure on Campus
If you’re hoping to be a cool Northwestern freshman, you’re probably going to look for one thing in college - Treasure. All of the coolest kids at Northwestern have treasure. But there are three different kinds of treasure you might be seeking - ancient Egyptian treasure, pirate treasure, and National Treasure. Egyptian treasure is filled with mummies and buried deep below pyramids, while pirate treasure is lost at sea in big wooden chests. Meanwhile, National Treasure is a 2004 box office hit featuring Nicholas Cage.
1. Egyptian Treasure
If you want to find buried Egyptian treasure, you might be better off at University of Cairo. Northwestern is not the best place for finding ancient Egyptian treasure, because it is far away from Egypt. One mistake some Northwestern students make is to dig for treasure under the sorority house of Delta Delta Delta, since it reminds students of the Nile delta. But, Delta Delta Delta is just a sorority for ~alternative~ girls who “really don’t believe in the tier system.” No treasure there.
2. Pirate Treasure
If your goal is to find pirate treasure in big wooden chests, Northwestern might not be the school for you. Old pirates were much more likely to be out at sea than to be in Evanston, Illinois. Pirates usually left their buried treasure closer to oceans, in sunken ships, or under their eye patches. Northwestern is near Lake Michigan, and some students sail into the lake to find pirate treasure. These students are called the “Sailing team.” They do not realize that pirates preferred oceans to lakes.
3. National Treasure
If your goal is to find Jon Turteltaub’ 2004 action flick National Treasure, Northwestern is a great choice. Northwestern students have access to free wifi, which they can use to rent National Treasure on Amazon Video for $3.99, a more than fair price for such an inspiring film. The wifi can also be used to purchase Nicholas Cage brooches, helmets, and jousting equipment.
I have presented you with some tips to finding treasure on campus. But here’s one more tip. As many Northwestern students before you, you might get so caught up in seeking treasure that you forget to look in the one place you’re sure to find it - your heart. The greatest treasure, love, will be inside of you all along.
Good luck, treasure seekers!