Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Facial Hair
Dear Northwestern FreshMEN, Gone are the days of waiting three months to get a smidge of stubble on those beautiful (ish) faces of yours. This is college: the big leagues. It's time to step up your game. I'm not saying you have to grow a possum on your face or anything, but you need to learn how to manage the hair you will soon find creeping upon your chin and upper lip all too quickly. I've seen some fine moustaches/beards/goatees/chin curtains/Hitler moustaches (?) in my day and I've seen some pretty weak stubble. So here are some dos and don’ts of facial hair maintenance.
- If you want da V, ditch your goatee.
Unless you're artsy and mysterious (which really only works for people like Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt), you might want to consider going clean-shaven. Ladies will appreciate it. Apparently long, flowy hair is kind of a pre-requisite for goatees. So, unless you look like these fine men, grab your razor.
- If it’s dat ass you crave, you should probz shave.
No need to have a forest on your face, boys. Despite what you might think, women do not find facial hair impressive. You’re not more of a man because you can grow hair on your face. If you can, congratulations, puberty has worked out for you. Your mom must be so proud. But people with too much facial hair are just trying to prove their manliness to the world, and thus end up looking like cavemen or worse… Jon Hamm.
- If you wanna be in a sexy position, please do NOT for the love of all things sacred resemble anything similar to Mel Gibson.
- If you want to be a fucking hero, rock your facial hair like Morty Schapiro.
Bask in his glory. Morty somehow manages to blend the professionalism of a university president with the innocence of a snow-covered puppy into one flawless look. Well done, Schapiro. Well done, indeed.
- When in doubt, shave that shit so that during dance floor make-outs, the girl (or boy) doesn’t say “ow… OUCH! Eeeeeeeeeeakkk” because of the knive-like hairs protruding from your face. #CLEANSHAVENFORDAYS
Almost everybody looks better sans facial hair.
Even spongebob goes from a 4 to a 7 after shaving his hobo stache.
EXTRA semi-related TIP:
Don’t forget your member during No Shave November.
Pay very close attention. No Shave November DOES NOT BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION apply to your pubic hair. November can be a lonely month, what with women rejecting you for the underdeveloped shrubbery around your mouth. So maybe you don’t feel the need to shave down there. Yeah, you’re just wrong. You gotta take care of the little guy. Get him ready for December (all that xmas sex will be kind of a culture shock ya know?)
-- Bootylicious S. Grant