Freshman Guide: Emailing Professors
You’re in college now and that means you aren’t emailing teachers anymore, you’re emailing professors. You must have so many questions! Should you refer to them as "professor", "prof", "doctor", or simply Jerry? Don’t fret! Here at Sherman Ave, we’ve been working hard on a thorough guide to fluently communicating in Old White Dude. Follow these tips to earn your professors’ respect even when you're bombarding them with stupid freshman questions. Just kidding, no question is ever stupid. Remember they especially love being asked for deadline extensions, so always do that.
1. They worked for those titles, so show them some goddamn respect
Doctor, Professor, Mr. and any other title you can think of required time, money and effort from the person who has it, so it only makes sense they would want you to acknowledge that. Jerry didn't go to school in Buttfuck, Oklahoma for nothing! Here’s a secret WikiHow won’t let you in on: the more titles, the better (think “Mr. President”). This is a short list of titles you should consider adding when emailing your professor to show them you respect all that academic capital: Mr., Mrs., Ma’am, Doctor, Master, Grand Master, Daddy, Sir, Earl Marshal, Duke, and Kween.
2. They don’t know you
They have like 500 other students. You're not special. Show them you're aware of your inferiority by introducing yourself at the beginning of every email. The more information, the better: include your weight at birth, blood type and mother’s maiden name. You get brownie points for attaching a selfie.
3. Be concise
Again, they have over 7 billion students. Be clear and go straight to the point because this is not the time to show off your writing strengths. Omit some words to show them you respect their time more than grammar rules.
4. Show them you know who they are
Google them. Always Google them. Then finish off the email by telling them to say hi to their spouse and children, and always include their names too, of course.
5. They are human beings too!
Adults have feelings too. They will appreciate it if you sign your email with "Forever Yours", "You complete me" or "I will always be waiting for you."
6. Send it from an iPhone
What is more impressive than writing a high-quality email on an iPhone? Nothing. Even if you typed it on your computer, add that “Sent from iPhone” shit at the end and blow their fucking minds away.
7. Offer them something in exchange for their services
Let’s be honest: we never email our professors unless we need help. Jerry is a total loser, but you gotta kiss his ass in order to get an extension or a grade change. It is important to always offer your professors something in return for their services, or else they won’t be willing to comply with your requests. Think of something they desire with a burning passion. Some examples include baby sitting their children, keeping their wife satisfied when they no longer can, and the blood of a virgin.
Here’s a template to help you out:
Dr. Professor LAST NAME,
My name is NAME, and I was 7 pounds at birth. I have question from syllabus: final exam mandatory or no? My opinion? No. If you cancel it, I will sacrifice, Bob, my virgin roommate, in exchange for your generosity. Hope you have a rad weekend with you wife Emma and your 3-year-old daughter Kate.
Sent from iPhone.