Freshman Guide: Babysitting for Xtra Bucks
Listen: although alcohol is gratuitous (but occasionally Jolly Rancher green) all fall quarter, Chipotle is not. Your lack of any real employable skills might have been endearing enough for your parents to dish out some change for you back in high school, but now that you’re beginning the process of adulting, your late night Dominos habit is going to be harder and harder cover up as “textbook” charges once November rolls around. Especially when you still haven’t bought the course packet. Or even found Quartet Copies .
So what do you do when getting that consulting job isn’t (yet) an option, but the feeling of some crisp Benjamins are still calling your name?
Sit a baby, motherfucker. But up the ante now, you educated asswipe, you. Nanny cams aren’t really a thing...right?
- DO bring your textbooks with you. Extra points if you’re already SESP kid and this includes a coloring book. You’ll seem studious, especially when you offer to tutor their 6 year old in upper level calculus, entirely in Mandarin. They also make a convenient foot rest when you ditch their kid to order Mean Girls on pay per view, even though they have Netflix.
- DON’T spend the whole time indoors. Watching nine-year-old blasting through mutant Nazi zombies may be a great way to de-stress, but nature is great for kids too. They, like, learn about clouds and shit out there. Cumulus. That’s a SAT word right? Take your sitter game up a notch and drag them to the pool, park, or playground where there are real adult persons you can ask to watch the kids for “just one sec, pretty please, I’ll be right back”. You get work in some all-important “me” time, and still get paid!
DO cook dinner. Don’t just nuke those sad chicken nuggets they left you! Leave those for the parents to drunk binge eat when the get back from their night of revelry ending promptly at 10pm. Instead, stuff some of the dining hall’s “Daily Dish” (go for some freshly grilled chicken with a side of something colorful with a title like “medley”), and pop it in a pan as soon as you get there. When the kid refuses to eat anything but Dora the Explorer ice pops, send the parent a picture of the lovely meal you’re preparing before ditching that waste out the backdoor.
- DO put the kid to bed. A little cough syrup, enough said.
When the parents stumble in around 10:30pm, gush about their adorable dears, dole out a fat wad of cash. This is the time you remind them that you charge $20 an hour as you’re a cash strapped freshman just trying to make their way in this rough and tumble world.
Final note, Sherman Ave is not responsible for any lawsuits and/or criminal charges levied against its readers on the grounds of child endangerment.
 Hint: its two streets down from Lou Malnati’s and one up from Sherbucks. Oh, and don’t worry, Beck’s is right by Burger King so there’s no way you’ll miss that. f