Freshman Guide: Asserting Dominance Over Your Roommate
You just moved you into your room on the third floor of Bobb. Your black-and-white Michael Jordan poster is in place. Your Chicago flag is positioned right above your door. Things are looking great. You are about to begin your journey into adulthood, ready to embark on the rollercoaster of life as a university student. That is until your mother asks you what time your roommate is moving in.
A wave of panic rushes through you. What if he’s lame? What if he wakes me up in the morning? What if he steals my seashell collection from my house in the Hamptons?
Have no fear! Here are ten ways you can assert dominance over him so that he will never cross the imaginary line separating your sides of the room without the intense PTSD we all get from hearing Sarah McLachlan’s ‘Angel’. He won’t even be able to hold eye contact with you after you follow these simple tips!
1. Pee On His Bed: This age-old, tried-and-tested, species-wide technique of asserting dominance and claiming your territory should totally be used to let your roommate know that he’s living in your neck of the woods. And don’t just stop at his bed, urinate into his laundry basket to ensure maximum dominance.
2. Buy A Pit Bull And Tie It Up To Your Mini-Fridge: Fire up your iPhone and ask Siri to find the nearest dog fighting ring. Those pit bulls will be up to the necessary caliber of hunger for human flesh and bloodthirsty vengeance to adequately protect your precious PBR from your roommate’s greedy hands.
3. Put On A Tuxedo: When that piece of shit walks in the room he better look at you and immediately assume you come from a family of old money and that you can get a team of lawyers on his ass if he so much as talks to you.
4. Leave Him Notes Around The Room: When he opens his desk drawer he should be on his toes as he sees a message on notebook paper reading “Such lovely skin. What I'd give to wear it as my own.”
5. Sleep With The Lights On: The soft glow of your power rangers night light is reminiscent of the fire our masculine ancestors used to stave off vicious predators. This is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it is an exemplary feature of a powerful, yet suspicious man. What if he comes at you in the night? You are going to need your sight to fight him. Better yet, never sleep. He could jump you at any time.
6. Re-Decorate: Put up posters of Slipknot and pictures of you and your family in Juggalo makeup at “The Gathering” drinking Faygo out of a rat skull.
7. Never Shower: He won’t dare to be your friend if you smell like the carcass of a wild boar mixed with the stench of a middle school locker room.
8. Cultivate Mass: The goal here is to be physically larger than your roommate for the reassurance that you will beat him in a fight. You can go through the hard work of gaining muscle, but if you gain it in fat, you can just crush him with your sheer size.
9. Hide Weapons Everywhere: Tape knives under your pillow for easy access. Hide pepper spray and tasers in your wheat-colored Timberlands. Throwing stars sewed into your Vineyard Vines pullovers. Sharpen the end of your high school lacrosse stick into a shank.
10. Never Smile Or Show Weakness: This is self-explanatory. Smiling means you want to be his friend. Friendship means being vulnerable. Vulnerability is weakness. You cannot afford to be weak.