FDA to Issue “High Sodium Content” Warnings on All Salty Bitches
SILVER SPRING, Md -- In an unexpected turn of events, the FDA has recently announced a social media mandate requiring High Sodium Content warnings on all salty bitches. Effective February 14th, 2015, any Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram profile that consistently maintains a sodium content of 50% or greater will be taken down unless its user agrees to refrain from further unsavory behavior or properly mark his or her content with a saltiness trigger warning.
“Saltiness is a big problem in America,” said Michael Taylor, current head of the FDA, former VP of Monsanto, and full-time Antichrist. “Ramen and Auntie Anne’s is one thing, but recently with the rise of social media we’ve seen a simultaneous increase in saline, hostile attitudes online; some estimates show that one quick twitter binge will leave you with over three times your daily value of sodium. It’s a growing threat to American health at large that needs to be contained before we collectively pop from high blood pressure.”
Scientists say that the yearly rate of heart attacks in America could decrease by up to 20% with the installment of these high sodium content warnings.
“The main problem is ignorance,” says Dr. Carl Diologi, expert heart surgeon. “People up to this point have had no way of knowing if those they talk to online will provide friendship or a deluge of sass. Some people just have attitude problems; it’s important for us to be aware of this when trying to maintain our daily levels. There’s a wide margin of thirsty people out there surfing the World Wide Web, and the last thing a thirsty person wants is to get emotionally dehydrated by an unwarrantedly salty bitch.”
Sherman Ave reporting
