Ermahgerd Recruitment: Your guide to translating and understanding Sorority Rush

Sorority recruitment is very chaotic. Sometimes it’s difficult to see clearly through the thick pink cloud of estrogen, and it can be hard to hear over the dull roar of WHAT’S YOUR WINTER BREAK WHAT DORM PWILD TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BOBB WHAT CLASSES HAVE NEW TRIER WHERE DO YOU ROOMMATE MY VALUES INCLUDE THE BAY AREA.

So that’s why I’ve got your back. Shit usually goes down something like this:

Recruitment Counselor: Hi, I’d like you to meet Guiniverevishevna

I’m just gonna go ahead and pat myself on the back for saying that name correctly.

Recruitment Chair: Hi…there. I’d like you to meet our president.

Yeah, no fuckin way was I going to attempt to pronounce that.

President: Hi…there. I’d like you to meet my sister Emily

Shit shit shit that was Lauren. Goddammit. She even had a nametag on.

Active member to PNM: Hi, can I take your coat?

I don’t actually want to awkwardly hold a stranger’s coat for the next 20 minutes.

Guiniverevishevna [PNM] to Active: Thanks!

Wait it would’ve been really funny if I was like NO BITCH. Hee hee. Definitely doing that at the next house.

Active: Here, we can sit right here.

Oh hello, square inch of windowsill.

PNM: Perfect!

Perfection isn’t actually the word I would use to describe this unnatural perching arrangement.

Active: So how’s everything going for you so far?

Let’s see if she can make eye contact with me when she says it’s going great.

PNM: It’s going great!

It’s not going great.

Active: That’s awesome! So give me the spiel, what’s your major, where are you from, where are you living, all that!

That should buy me like 2 minutes to space out and think about the snack I’m going to make when this is over.

PNM: Haha ok! Well let’s see, as of right now I’m an Econ major, I’m from Chicago, and I’m living in NMQ!

I’m probably going to switch to Poli Sci and I’m from Deerfield, but yeah I do live in NMQ thanks for reminding me.

Active: Awesome! I’m also an econ major, and I’m also from Chicago! But I lived in Bobb my freshman year, hahaha!

Fancy that.

PNM: No way! What part of Chicago?

I bet she’s from a suburb.

Active: Well, I’m not really from DOWNTOWN Chicago. I’m actually from Naperville, haha! What about you?

Hey pot, kettle here. You’re black.

PNM: Oh, I’m actually from Deerfield, it’s just like 5 minutes away! Oh I guess that’s not really from CHICAGO Chicago either, haha!

Got me.

Active: Oh my gosh no worries, haha! So what made you decide to be an Econ major?

Well, now that we’ve put that incredibly important geography issue to bed, we can get on to other boring stuff. 

PNM: Oh, well like I always kinda thought I wanted to do econ because I’ve always just like found it really interesting and practical, but there are still sooo many other classes that I want to take. I guess I’m still kinda undecided!

I have no idea what I’m doing. You’re worse than my relatives.

Active: Yeah that’s totally understandable, and don’t worry you have plenty of time to figure it out!

You don’t have plenty of time, which is why I just about asphyxiated when I was registering for classes last quarter.

PNM: Yeah for sure.

Good talk.

Active: Yeah totally. Plenty of time.

Could you at least meet me half way?

PNM: So… what’s your favorite thing about being in a sorority?

I’m grasping at straws here.

Active: SO many things! I’ve gotta say that sisterhood events are my favorite though. We do so many fun things and it’s great to just be goofy with your sisters. And crush parties are definitely fun too!

I’ve never been to a sisterhood event.

I was the drunkest bitch in the room at our last crush party.

PNM: Yeah that all sounds so fun!

No one has ever explained to me what a crush party is and I feel like it’s weird to ask at this point.

Active: Yep, so many great things!

Pleaaaaaaase let this end soon.

PNM: I can’t wait to get involved.

I’m really just saying words at this point.

Recruitment Chair: Well ladies, unfortunately that brings us to the end of this party. We hope you’ve enjoyed getting to know us and have a great rest of your recruitment!

4 down, 2 to go. Look at me now.

Active: It was so nice getting to talk to you! I hope you have a great rest of your day.

What was this chick’s name again?

PNM: Yeah you too! It was so nice to meet you!

What chapter was this again?