Ella Enchanted: The Most Hapless Betch of All
As most readers of Sherman Ave are college students at Northwestern University, (besides my mom) I would assume that everyone reading this is familiar with Ella Enchanted. This peasant girl turned Prince Charming’s lover is definitely at the forefront of all most people’s minds and for obvious reason. As you all know, Ella’s fairy Godmother Lucinda “gifted” Ella with the gift of obedience as a baby. This gift/curse makes it so Ella has to do any and everything anyone says to her… no matter what. This gift/curse made Ella into the young woman she is today: the Most Hapless Bitch of All.
7 times Ella Enchanted was the Most Hapless Bitch of All:
- “Read every assigned reading, do all the homework, study exorbitantly, ace every test... just work REALLY HARD!!”
Usually, Ella tries to avoid syllabus days as she realizes professors tend to give suggestions in a hyperbolic manner and she ends up slaving to get every single bit of work done. But, Ella’s roommate, Areida, sarcastically retorted, “OMG Ellaaa just go! It’ll be fine” when Ella said she didn’t want to go to Orgo. So, Ella sat through the lecture and now has to work REALLY HARD for all of Organic Chem. Thanks Areida.
- “Call Now to get your REJUVINIQUE ELECTRICAL FACE MASK™ today”
Televisions are dangerous for Ella. Unfortunately, when walking past the lobby of her dorm, the television was on and playing a super loud infomercial for a certain new product. Ella accidently heard the advertisement and, naturally, had to buy this ridiculously practical and not-terrifying-in-any-way product.
- “JOIN (insert almost every club, sorority, fraternity, philanthropy, activity etc here)”
I don’t care what your snobby older sister balancing a job downtown, an A capella group, 5 classes, 2 clubs and varsity soccer says. Absolutely NO ONE is more involved than miss Ella Enchanted. Ella made the mistake of attending the activities fair and is now involved in three-fourths of all activities on campus.
- “Teach me how to Dougie”
Ella heard this demanding tune and now has to go knock on Cali Swag District’s door and teach them the steps to their own dance…….awkward
- “Go fuck yourself!”
It’s a difficult task, but Ella can manage.
- “Ugh, kill me nowww”
Areida—GOD DAMN STUPID AREIDA—felt a little stressed with all her schoolwork. As she fails to get the WebAssign right for the fifth time in a row she whines, “ugh kill me nowww” and Ella can’t help but respond…
- Right now.
Right now, Ella is meticulously reviewing Orgo, while preparing for 34 activities, fucking herself, driving to Cali Swag District’s house and wearing the REJUVINIQUE ELECTRICAL FACE MASK™ so people might not recognize her as chokes on her tears and cuts her roommate into small pieces to hide the evidence.
You’re not fooling anyone Ella. We all know it’s you.
Ella Enchanted: the most impressive multitasker and the Most Hapless Bitch of All.