Evanston’s Campbell Elementary School today announced a new policy which asks all “effeminate boys” to stay at home to avoid being bullied. The announcement comes on the heels of a North Carolina school banning a student from wearing a “My Little Pony” backpack to prevent further harassment in school. The policy is a result of a wave of bullying at the school, which peaked when fourth-grader Will Paige was given an atomic wedgie after being discovered listening to Taylor Swift in the locker room. “That kid brought it on himself, you know?” said Principal George Johnson. “Usually we try to reprimand bullies, but a guy listening to Taylor Swift alone? That’s irresistible for any bully. The best solution was to keep that girly stuff at home.”
Johnson said he hopes that his students will learn to conform to what society expects a man to be and lose any personal sense of masculinity.
“Society doesn’t tolerate men acting like women. You think Robin Thicke listens to 'We Are Never Getting Back Together' while he’s getting down with hot models in music videos? Doubt it.”
Johnson believes that the new policy will keep those boys obsessed “silly phases” at home until they “grow a pair.”
“That third grader with a pink notebook? Out. A 10-year-old who has a freaking passion for ballet? Not in my school. Listen, I’m just finding the most realistic solution here. What am I supposed to do, convince the popular boys that it’s OK to be different?”