It seems that not voting is nearly as popular as voting. Hell, hardly anyone bothers to vote in North Korea. Let’s examine some of the reasons why you may not be voting: not registered, absentee ballot is sitting on your toilet, or you live in Oman. Personally, I’m trying to impress the cutie that works at my post office who doesn’t vote. I know she reads my mail. She sure as hell hasn’t been delivering it.
If you play it right, election night can be the Superbowl, a birthday, and a hangover all in one. Elections are the societal equivalent of a getting married at 18. Sure, we’ve gotten shallow insights into our potential mates, and we're going to try it out for four years. Definitely not more than eight years. You’ve decided to close your eyes, ambivalent to who kisses you at the altar. Here are our top suggestions of ways to pass the evening while you stay puckered up. Let’s just hope you come out ahead:
Betting on your team losing sucks. You’ve creatively avoided this conflict of interest. Bet the stats. Bet your gut. The Justice Party is looking pretty hot this year after they became vote eligible in 45 out of 50 states. No trouble. Everybody knows Arkansas and Maine always go Green Party.
Vote Third Party
It’s the same as not voting.
Have fun with your Absentee Ballot
I sent my ballot inside a sardine and sour cream sandwich.
Believe the rumor. Biden is throwing a rave inside a polling station in Virginia to get a few last minute votes. He made a mash-up of MLK Jr.’s "I Have a Dream" speech and a few Queen songs. His beat matching is flawless.
Participate in Voter Fraud
The people of Cook County, Illinois love democracy so much that they keep voting up to 20 years after they’ve died. Volunteer and help get their votes counted!
Crash Election Parties
Win or lose, election campaigners throw down. Think major parties. Think celebrity endorsements. Choose a campaign that was left with too much extra cash. Wherever Miley Cyrus is you can guarantee they’ll have cake.
Collecting Obama/Romney Campaign Gear
Top item: 7-11 election cups. Beer pong in 2018 with those cups will be a reminder of simpler times when elections were won depending on our needs for hot go-go fuck juice.