Drake and the Disillusionment of a Nation
When Drake calls upon the American people, they answer. In his most recent music* video release, “Hotline Bling”, Drake inspired our nation by way of his virtuous, improvised, solo dance performance featuring passionate hand waves, skillful hip gyrations and salsa steps that instilled envy in even the most talented dancers.
Naturally, America responded with adoration and awe; people praised Drake’s natural dexterity from mountains high and preached his tantalizing swag from valleys low. In fact, the Statue of Liberty was removed to be replaced by a new statue featuring Drake rocking a turtleneck and Timberlands like a boss. Though the Pledge of Allegiance no longer contains the word, “God” it was once again amended to include a deity of another sort. In classrooms throughout the nation, students proudly recited the pledge that read, “under Drake we dance…”. Newly inspired, things generally seemed to be looking up for the good old US of A. That was, until now. We at Sherman Ave have been waiting to release this earth shattering information until it was verified to be absolutely true, but we can stay silent no longer…
I’d advise you to sit down, but, since you are probably already sitting because you are procrastinating in someway or another, I recommend tightly gripping your chair to receive the following news: It was proven that in the months prior to Drake’s filming of “Hotline Bling,” the artist DID in fact attend dance classes. Being the nation’s most hard-hitting news source, Sherman Ave sent a man to further investigate the shocking situation once murmurs of Drake’s mortal nature surfaced. That man was me – Jenny Talia: reporter/professional stalker extraordinaire. When I arrived at Drake’s (actually Aubrey Drake Graham’s**) mansion in California I planted myself firmly in a scruffy bush. Without sleeping, eating or pooping for three days I swiftly came to the conclusion that Aubrey Drake Graham does indeed leave his house. In attaching myself to the bottom of his car with duct tape I could conclude that when Drake leaves his house he does sometimes attend dance classes (Other times he does normal human things, like go through carwashes, which I must say SUCKED). The seemingly effortless, fluid and spontaneous dancing of the nation’s once favorite hip hop artist, were most certainly practiced. Those intoxicatingly smooth steps? Choreographed. The persuasive hand twirling? Preconceived. Not only that but in using my ultra strong binoculars and super sonic hear-better-ers I learned that Drake is a mix of black and Jewish, once starred on the subpar show “Degrassi” and, most startlingly, was born in Canada. Through my careful research in that bush in front of his California residence I could conclude that Aubrey Drake Graham was mortal, did grow up as a normal human and most importantly, went to dance lessons.
Only time will tell how the American people will react to this jarring news. At the very least disillusioned, will the people of the United States be sad? Disappointed? Grab pitchforks and yell expletives outside Drake’s California abode? I’ll be spending the next 6 months in my apocalyptic bunker – just to be safe. But really, how could all of America instill their trust or adoration in something that seems to simply be too perfect? Drake nearly danced his way to what most certainly would have been worldwide domination. The United States is a passionate people, especially when their own ignorance is put on display and Drake made fools of the entire country. If Drake is reading this*** I highly recommend he flee the country, like, right now. May this shocking moment in American history forever stand as warning to future that generations that yes, hips can lie.
*Ok not so recent anymore, but we had to make sure all our facts were razorblade straight ok? This is a big deal.
**How many secrets does this man have???!
***It’s too late