Dee Dee Turlington Spills His 10 Deepest Secrets
All right, listen. I get it. It’s the middle of July. You’re not reading Sherman Ave. You’re out publicly urinating on the beach, hitting on babes at the tiki bar, and drinking vodka out of your hot friend’s belly button. But, nevertheless, we here at Sherman Ave have to keep writing, or else our lead editor will lock us in a cage in his gross apartment get very mad at us. Still, I’m certain nobody’s going to read this article. So certain, in fact, that I’m going to make this article a list* of my 10 deepest secrets. Yes, you read that right. No two ways about it. I’m going to tell you, dear reader, my 10 deepest held secrets. So, without further ado, here I go:
- A few years ago, a police officer caught me in possession of 40 liters of laudanum that I obtained via fake prescriptions, but he let me go with a warning because he liked me.
- One time, when I was three, my mom took me toilet shopping because our old one broke or something. During the trip, I really had to pee, and since there were toilets all around me, I just dropped trou and peed in one of the floor models.
- My date to the eighth grade dance was a cardboard cutout of Kellie Pickler.
- I have a huge latex fetish. I have to tell doctors I’m allergic to latex in order to avoid a very uncomfortable experience for both me and the doctor.
- I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
- When I went to go see Wicked, Antonio Banderas was sitting a few rows in front of me. At intermission, I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom. Antonio came in about 15 seconds later and walked up to the urinal next to me. He finished peeing before me and backed up from the urinal a little bit before zipping his pants up and I saw his penis.
- I have a daughter who is two years younger than me. It’s complicated, don’t ask.
- Once, on a British Airways flight, I punched a flight attendant in the balls because I didn’t like his attitude.
- In middle school, I was really bored in class one day and was playing with my mechanical pencil. I stuck it in my ear and the pencil’s eraser got stuck in there and I still haven’t gotten it removed.
- I cheated the Armenian mob out of $100,000 of methamphetamines back in 2008 and they still don’t know about it.
*Some might say that making a list is a cop out. You know what I think is a cop out? Sitting in your room reading a half-assed article when it’s a beautiful fucking day outside. Go get some fresh air, asshat.