Dear Mother Nature, Fuck You
Dear Mother Nature, How are you? Judging by the weather, it seems you are pissed as hell at the City of Evanston. Now, maybe you're mad at us Northwestern students or the citizens of Evanston or those squirrels that hop in front of your car only to get out of the way at the very last second, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re angry at us college kids.
There are a million reasons you could be angry at us. I saw someone throw his empty Starbucks cup into the lake a few days ago. Despicable! Are you angry because we’re not doing enough to help you in your time of need? News flash, Mother Nature, sending cold weather early only makes all the dumb politicians think climate change isn’t real. And dumb politicians rule the world. Literally.
However, my guess is, you’re using this wind and ball-shriveling cold to keep students wrapped up this Halloween. Maybe you’re trying to protect the innocent Evanston youth from being exposed to the scores of slutty kittens, half-naked devils and erotic nuns. Maybe you’re angry specifically at me for mentioning I might go as “sexy DW” (though, for the record, it’s really hard to look slutty when you’re wearing a dress that’s one size too big and have the boobs of an underdeveloped 12-year-old).
So, Mother Nature, I’d like to apologize for the slutty kittens, devils and nuns—wait. Hold up. Is that snow? Mother Nature, do NOT just tell me you sent FUCKING SNOW ON HALLOWEEN. ARE YOU INSANE?! CLEARLY YOU’VE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND. YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M DONE. I DON’T APOLOGIZE. SLUTTY DW IS COMING OUT IN FULL FORCE TODAY AND I PLAN ON RUINING ARTHUR FOR ALL CHILDREN IN EVANSTON.
I’ve always been kind to you, Mother Nature. I fucking recycle. Your actions today are a disgrace, and I'm very disappointed in you.