DEA Nets $45 Million Worth of Hoverboards in Campus Sweep
EVANSTON, IL - At the downtown Evanston police station today, local officers stood alongside federal DEA agents in front of a massive pile of illicit hoverboards collected in a far-reaching raid conducted on the Northwestern University campus this week. The street value of these hoverboards is estimated to be $45 million.
“This is a monumental day for our community,” said Evanston Chief of Police Ed Millen. “For too long these hoverboards have been terrorizing our neighborhoods, creating needless violence, and ruining the lives of children. Getting them out of the Northwestern dorms is a big step in rebuilding our town.”
Northwestern University has held up the massive hoverboard raid as a prime example of why the widespread use of hoverboards warranted the massive sting operation.
“We conducted a study in 2004 that showed the three greatest distractions in student life are drugs, alcohol, and expensive and questionably practical single person transport vehicles,” said Northwestern’s Student Life Coordinator Michael Carr. “Back then, we thought about instituting a no-Segway policy for the good of the kids, but since the Segway turned out to be a total piece of shit we didn’t bother.”
According to Northwestern, the personal scooters have already caused massive disruptions in education and encourage anti-social behavior, and Chief Millen agrees.
“We decided that the best way to end the hoverboard epidemic would be to raid student housing to sniff out the contraband,” he said. “We were looking for signs that someone might be hoarding an illegal hoverboard like vaping, growing an ironic mustache, or recently throwing out a penny farthing bicycle. And of course, massive trauma to the back of the head is also a surefire indicator that a person or someone they know has access to a hoverboard.”