Corrupt, Power-hungry ASG Senator Still Makes No Difference in the Grand Scheme of Things
EVANSTON - In the wake of a recent corruption scandal in the Associated Student Government, members realized that the nefarious efforts of a power-hungry ASG senator still had absolutely no impact on the Northwestern community.
Angelina Jose, the senator for the Allison, Shepard and 1838 residential community, was found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt of embezzlement, bribery, and fraud. Despite these charges, all 8,353 undergraduate students reported zero changes in their day-to-day life. Meanwhile, when asked about the scandal, all 8,208 graduate students responded saying “ASG?”
“You don’t even know the extent of it,” said Jose while in custody in the waiting room of the Office Student Conduct. “I took fifty dollars from boxing club and happiness club and placed the money in private Venmo accounts. Then I redirected it to my own club!”
Despite the allegations against senator Jose, students stated that her actions have had little to no impact on the larger Northwestern Community. “Yeah, I mean, my day was fine regardless,” said Shepard resident Isabella Ko, “I only knew about it because Angelina was shouting about it while being escorted out of Norris.”
However, Senator Jose insists that her actions have disrupted the Northwestern economy. “That’s not even the tip of the iceberg!” Jose screamed at reporters. “I took half of those funds and divided them up into different risk pools!” she screamed at no one in particular. “And I turned the other half of the money into Cat Cash and used it to buy Clif Bars!”
Reporters later confirmed that the C-Store was momentarily out of Clif Bars, to the dismay of one or two students.