Cold Weather Forces Morty to Work From Steam Tunnels
EVANSTON -- With the two consecutive coldest days of the year on record, Northwestern University’s unshakable emotional rock, President Morty Schapiro, has evidently been wracked by the cold weather according to sources in the Rebecca Crown Center.
Morty’s administrative assistant, Geneva Danko, told Sherman Avenue that he put on a second purple sweater and kept rubbing his hands together while muttering angrily. Danko stated, “Morty pulled out a thermometer, put it on his desk, and would occasionally yell ’Forty-six. It’s forty-six damn degrees in this office.”
Reports show that around 11:20 a.m., Morty screamed, presumably to no one and everyone, “Fuck it! I’m going underground,” while sweeping everything on his desk to the floor causing those around him to shudder in tremendous horror. Shortly thereafter, he disappeared under a green manhole cover.
Sophomore Grant Westmore, who was lost in the steam tunnels after wandering down there drunk, found Morty somewhere between Swift Hall and Deering. “Yeah, he had set up like a little desk and stuff,” said Westmore, “He was writing something down with a quill, all intent-like.”
A source close to the matter confirmed suspicions that President Schapiro was calling for permanent incarceration of his landlord for letting his office go below the 68 degree threshold and for Mayor Tisdahl’s resignation.
Upon finally reaching Morty and asking him about his relocation, Morty stated, “I go big.”